Tuesday, December 13, 2005

shame belief hope love

what to write, what to write?

first, a postscript on my backbone. i didn't say anything on the way


to my car because i was embarrassed and ashamed, and because i was selfish enough to prioritize my shame over his request for help. such a simple truth, but it took me days to come up with it. but i'm glad i did. i can learn more about myself from that answer than i can from the question that preceded it.

second, i was ducking talking about to.okie williams, because i'm not about to debate anybody about this. you can comment if you like but i will not debate you, 'cause frankly, i've done enough debating about how i feel about the death penalty to last me a lifetime. i don't approve of what that man did. i think that if he is a murderer, he deserves to be punished as a murderer. he must deal with the


consequences of his actions. what i wish, however, is that our society's consequences didn't consist of the irreversible ending of a life in retribution for that person's - any person's - transgressions. by the time folks read this, i believe he will be dead. before he walked to the chamber where he would be killed, i was praying for the people who killed him. i was praying for the families of the victims that he killed. for the families whose lives were affected by his actions - the gangbangers, the families and children of the gangbangers, the people the gangbangers terrorized, the victims of williams himself, and their families. i was praying for the jury of peers and judges and legislators that all played a part in the societal decision that he should die. i was also praying for the people who actually sat and watched as his life ebbed away. i prayed for williams too - that he had somehow found a way to submit himself to the truth of his sins and that he found a way to submit himself to the will of his Creator before he died. i prayed that God would be merciful to everyone involved who sought mercy. and that He would be merciful to me for being judgmental of those who don't agree with me that the penalty is merciless and usurps His authority.

enough about that grimness. let me move on to my grimness. i missed him today. only for a few moments, but isn't it strange how powerful a few moments can be? but really though, i'm not grim - that was a bad word to use.


let's call it a passing unpleasant breeze, which, once it has expired, is a mere memory, and not a lasting burden. but it's uncomfortable reminders like that that keep me on my toes, hopeful for the love around the bend. my latest theory is that nothing significant will happen for at least the next 3-5 years, 'cause it seems like most people who are finding love, if they don't fall into it right after college, generally wind up waiting until about the age of 30 for something real to happen. i dunno, it's not a scientific theory by any stretch of the imagination, but doesn't casual observation count for anything?

what's interesting is that sometimes moments like that make me think about the good things in past relationships. like the way he made me feel like the sexiest woman he'd ever been with. or the way that other one made me feel


taken care of without ever having to give me any tangible thing. or the way that one made me float on air because of the instant and energetic connection we had. or the way that other one became so much of a part of me that his very gaze screamed love without him having to part his lips to speak. i miss each of them for different reasons, but what's funny is that it's not a melancholy "missing," it's a sweet memorial "missing." a here-lies-what's-his-name-again-but-wasn't-he-precious in the final resting place of my ghosts of dating past. the memories are healthy - they help me believe that the love around the bend is possible. they remind me of how i like to be treated, and how i love to love.