it's good. it's bad. i have it. it's okay. sometimes. other times, it's easy to trip on if i don't watch myself. you know they say it goes before a fall. so you gotta watch it. it has its place, and it needs to stay there. once, it helped me finish a degree that i was ready to give up on. another time, it helped me tackle algebra in a new school where i was doubting myself because i didn't know if i had what it took to compete with my rich, white, suburban (and supposedly, therefore, smarter) classmates. it kept me from working in the peep show booth to pay bills during college. it kept me from getting into fights. it kept me from making a fool of myself in front of guys that i would have regretted it for later. pride can be your friend.
but once, it kept me in a relationship that i should have exited sooner. and once it got me into a fight. well, a scuffle. right now, pride is keeping me from
...has caused me to
deny my own
part of the reason i love writing is because without the outlet, i would never be able to face and truly understand truths about myself such as these. my dad has seen my pride well up inside me, boiling over, upsetting the lid on my pot in such a way that he knew what was going on inside me. he would say, sternly, "you need to humble yourself." never are those words harder to receive than when you are consumed with pride.
i never really think of that, as i walk around, lil' chest poked out like a peacock, 'cause through the grace of my Creator and Sustainer *pride alert - pride alert - bragging coming* I am working, I am paying these bills, I am keeping this house, I am taking care of my own hair, nails, and pedicure, I am doing it without calling home for money, I am taking my social life and my wants and needs into my own hands, I am doing it without depending on anybody...
y'all know the litany.
of course, it's not true. without the love and support and occasional helping hands of my friends and family, discouragement, difficulties, and complacency might well have overcome all of this "I do this and that" mess by now.
never mind that i still hate asking for help. never mind that when i get scared, i hate having to call home and discuss it with mom. never mind that i suspected today
one of my worst
fears is a
we shall see, won't we?