pride

it's good. it's bad. i have it. it's okay. sometimes. other times, it's easy to trip on if i don't watch myself. you know they say it goes before a fall. so you gotta watch it. it has its place, and it needs to stay there. once, it helped me finish a degree that i was ready to give up on. another time, it helped me tackle algebra in a new school where i was doubting myself because i didn't know if i had what it took to compete with my rich, white, suburban (and supposedly, therefore, smarter) classmates. it kept me from working in the peep show booth to pay bills during college. it kept me from getting into fights. it kept me from making a fool of myself in front of guys that i would have regretted it for later. pride can be your friend.

but once, it kept me in a relationship that i should have exited sooner. and once it got me into a fight. well, a scuffle. right now, pride is keeping me from

...has caused me to

deny my own

truth

feeding the courage to make that move i need to make for my spiritual sanity. pride has kept me from being happy for other people's triumphs and achievements. imagine that. pride has made me break my generally kind and easygoing character just to best someone else for the pleasure of being able to hand them their ass on the platter of their choosing. and pride has, from time to time, caused me to deny my own truth. i have held in tears. choked back words. feigned smiles. changed plans. denied myself the natural course of breathing - delaying that comfortable exhale - just because of being on pins and needles because of pride.

part of the reason i love writing is because without the outlet, i would never be able to face and truly understand truths about myself such as these. my dad has seen my pride well up inside me, boiling over, upsetting the lid on my pot in such a way that he knew what was going on inside me. he would say, sternly, "you need to humble yourself." never are those words harder to receive than when you are consumed with pride.

i never really think of that, as i walk around, lil' chest poked out like a peacock, 'cause through the grace of my Creator and Sustainer *pride alert - pride alert - bragging coming* I am working, I am paying these bills, I am keeping this house, I am taking care of my own hair, nails, and pedicure, I am doing it without calling home for money, I am taking my social life and my wants and needs into my own hands, I am doing it without depending on anybody...

y'all know the litany.

of course, it's not true. without the love and support and occasional helping hands of my friends and family, discouragement, difficulties, and complacency might well have overcome all of this "I do this and that" mess by now.

never mind that i still hate asking for help. never mind that when i get scared, i hate having to call home and discuss it with mom. never mind that i suspected today

one of my worst

fears is a

reality

that one of my worst fears is a reality - that i am afraid of something. a friend of mine asked me what i was afraid of - i have a simple and often repeated answer to that question. being afraid in the first place. i hate the idea of being afraid of anything. (there goes that pride again.) well guess what i am afraid of folks? i am afraid of giving my talents the attention and effort that they are due. i know. i'm so ashamed. wanna know why i think i am afraid of that? 'cause my heart would be broken if i gave it my best, and then my art wasn't valued or well received. you know what that is right? uh huh. that pride again. *sigh* it's the same as when i was pushed to read my poetry before others - i was too proud to subject my writing to a bunch of strangers. but then these two sisters told me that my gift is not my own, and who am i to impede what God has given? now here i am, tempted to move to a higher level of nurturing and showcasing the gift. i know now that's why i've had writer's block (outside from the blog), and why i've been bored with my own poetry lately. pride. ah glory, what am i going to do with you, precious?

we shall see, won't we?