best approximation

an edited version of my response to Kajuana's question, what is love? what is in love?

it’s been some years since i was in love with someone who was in love with me and there was no doubt about any of that. since that one monumental relationship, i have “loved” others, but have been “in love,” maybe just once. i see the difference as whether or not having them in my life enhances my anticipation for living. because there are men friends that i love right now - i would do just about anything for them, out of love. but the reason they are only friends is because the feeling i have for them doesn’t get me going in the morning, so to speak. my one epic love affair taught me that the act of love is consistently making the decision to be someone’s best ally in life. the feeling of love is that heightened anticipation for living, that i generally get from their presence in my life, that inspires me to continually make that decision. that’s my best approximation of how i feel about it - today. i hope that my next relationship could possibly heighten my understanding of the whole thing. i do believe in love. but i’m not encouraged that it is nearly as prevalent or likely an occurrence as many would have me believe. i’m only cautiously looking forward to having it myself, which may be one of the reasons why they say women don’t feel it as soon as men - too bruised, too skeptical, too jaded…