Friday, December 02, 2005


tiger's eye marble: so my dad wants to know why i don't have a man to call to help me get around and get my car fixed. i told him i'd like to know, too. he wants to know, what gives? i tell him i've dated this year.

this man

loves me


2005 was interesting. got dumped twice. yup, twice. LOL! fun stuff. one of these dear souls really impacted my spirit. the other one just beat me to the punch. i told my dad that i think what happens is that they meet me, are taken with me, and after the happiness cloud evaporates, they look up and are bored with the possibility of further involvement, so they un-involve themselves by deciding not to call anymore. shoot, i've done that before. (not often enough, though, cause i'm always looking to love the lovable part of someone, forgetting that i have the choice to bounce. it takes me too long to give up on people. i should learn for my own sake how to get better at that...) my dad wants to know why i think they get bored. i say, i don't know. but isn't that what dating is? hanging out with people until you realize that ain't nothing there you want to keep? or on the flip, that there is something there that you want to keep? not every body is good for every body. my dad then goes into soliloquy #34,829 - the know and examine your strengths and weaknesses and be willing to be flexible speech. bless his heart. i could do that. but i already like myself, thanks. and some man that i want to be with will want to stay whether or not i change. and if not, i'll be aight. i don't have much wisdom, but i have that much. i asked him, for the sake of conversation, so what should i do? have an exit interview with my outgoing boyfriends? you can't say, "hey uh, so could you tell me why you don't want to date anymore?" i don't think so! ROFL! and does it matter? what doesn't work for one could be a platinum-laced bliss formula for the next. either way, i got to be me, and not worry about being a chameleon depending on who i'm trying to keep in my life. bump that. i agree with fantasia: if you don't want me... free yourself (and while you're at it, free




me too.) i know that's not what he was saying, though. and i know i'm not above examination or reproach. but anyway, i love my dad. him so precious. he don't want his only daughter living by herself, figuring out how to get the car fixed by herself, catching the bus in december cause she ain't got no man to pick her up. i could tell him i'm not bothered, that the $2.50/day for the bus ain't breaking me, that it's a pretty mild december so far, that i don't care if the mechanics grease me as long as i'm driving soon, that if i'm not worried he shouldn't be either... but that wouldn't dissipate his fatherly concern. so i indulge him by listening to his soliloquies, or at least giving him umm hmms at the appropriate intervals in the rhythm of the words i'm only half listening to as i fix dinner and think about the challenges at the office tomorrow. because i love this first man in my life, who loves me unconditionally and ain't going nowhere, and who would move the earth for me if he had to...

red marble: somebody on a messageboard pushed my buttons thursday. was just sarcastic and smart-mouthed enough to touch the right nerve ending and provoke my unbridled venom. it was all i could do to refrain from outright profanity and namecalling... things i rarely do out of anger (unless driving). sometimes emotions shock me - i didn't expect that, it just kinda happened. but it was honest, and well, that's good enough for me.

yellow marble: my homie, that i met in high school, that was my college roommate, that was on line with me, that made me a maid-of-honor at her wedding, has gone away to live far away, and after our short farewell lunch, when i hugged her, i was sad. i know we can visit and call and email. but it will never be the same. change is good. she desires this move and is going to meet her destiny. the best thing i can do for the both of us is wish her well and release my selfish desire to keep her here. i did that today. and i'm happy she's leaving to find out what's on the other side of that horizon. she'll meet good things there, she'll be happy, and that will make me happy.

blue marble: i got a message on my answering machine. from some woman calling for some man who doesn't live here. i started to delete it, but paused when she expressed such joy at hearing an outgoing answering machine message, since she thought the man had died, and was glad to know he's still alive. she talked about a few people i guess they both knew, and explained that she was driving around, lost in the midwest somewhere as she made the call. i wished her well from afar, hoping my hug would help her get her direction and find it home safely. i felt sorry that she thought she'd found her old friend, who may in fact no longer be with us (since i have his phone number...)

green marble: i have two best friends that i've known over half my life. the three of us are crazy. and we like it that way. but we express our love for each other by being brutally honest with our feelings, including dispensing with all tact and formality. no room for tiptoeing. we give it and take it straight, no chaser. things that may lead other people to think we don't like each other much are really us saying, "girl you know you family to me and it's all love." but i still wonder if that's healthy. should our exaggerated sarcasticness and cattiness be a substitute for loving sentiments? words are powerful... hmm. time will tell. i would hate to lose either of these, my double dutch partners, my sleepover crew, my future babies' (fake) aunties, my sisters from other mothers... i wish us well.

purple marble: as i type this, my poetry family is breaking lyrical bread. wish i was there. but me and the roots and kanye and this blog and a blank page in my poetry book are making the best of a situation that i refuse to make the worst of.

clear marble: i feel good. cozy. the weekend is coming. . . long mornings to sleep in late. hopefully i'll have my car back by sunday. might drop by my best friend's church - i feel like being among the believers. people who believe in something are my kind of people. people with hope. people who dare to dream. i'm like that, whether my dream is to make it through a tough day like yesterday, or whether it's to feel at peace with your existence, your purpose, your Creator. i'm in that mood now. peaceful.