Wednesday, December 07, 2005


i figure most people have heard of "bad hair days." i doubt if i am the only one who has bad reflection days. despite good self-esteem in general, and despite knowing that i'm not a bad looking woman, some days i look in the mirror and simply have no positive things to say. i thought i was cuter than that. i wonder if other people can see that marionette line or those dark circles i see under my eyes. my hair is such a listless mess. why should such a young woman have a double chin? is this the me that other people see? what do people see when they see me? not that, i hope. i hope people are more forgiving of my flaws than i am with myself.

"more forgiving than i am with myself?" why am i not forgiving with myself? that marionette line is the result of a happy spirit - an easy smile and a ready laugh. dark circles are what should be expected after working hard for the future since the dawn of your memory. a mess of hair can

why am i not

forgiving with myself?

be un-messed, and bad hair days are as ephemeral as you make them. that double chin (that noone else has ever pointed out as a noticeable flaw) ties you to generations of women in the family you love... the family that loves you. if, when people see you, the only things that are noticed are your supposed flaws - why would it matter to you what such shallow people think?

when is the last time you thought about the supposed flaws of the people you know and love? for example, your granddad's love handles... the few errant chin hairs of your great aunt... the explosion of freckles across your best friend's nose, the crease lines in your mother's forehead? those folks just look like themselves to you though, don't they? those supposed flaws only come to mind when you think about them, don't they? 'cause you're too busy loving those people for who they are to you, aren't you? that marks an ability to see people, not with your eyes, but with your heart. know that they see you the same way. and even if they don't, you have to be able to see yourself that way.

i had a bad reflection day yesterday. in my perception, i wasn't my best self from any angle - all day, i was turning away from any and all reflections of myself in glass and mirrors. but if i could only see myself through the eyes of someone else who loved me, all that turning wouldn't have been necessary. thing is, i am someone who loves me. i just needed to write this blog entry to remember that. whatever my reflection, i often see more than my aesthetics when i gaze at the mirror. i see a woman i love for who she is. who calls herself, "precious," when she talks to herself. who speaks to her loved ones and strangers with kindness. who tries to remember to offer her very best to others whenever given the chance. whose personal philosophy revolves around love. and it's that perception of myself that allows me to stand at full stature and look people in the eye when i'm away from the mirror, despite whatever perceived aesthetic flaws had the chance to ruin an otherwise productive and positive day. the next time my reflection stares back at me and i start the nitpicking, i'll just have to gaze deep into the brown eyes before me and remember the love there. so i can get on with the rest of my day without avoiding mirrors.