hypocrite

my comments on another blogger's suggestion that love is possible if you believe in it and give it a chance to happen:

"what you wrote about was beautiful, O. and i am generally the kind of person who thinks that way. in fact, your post is like something that i would write - about being open to possibilities and not blocking a potential blessing. but to be for real for real honest… i’d be dropping some serious bovine excrement. and to be for real for real honest, i was fighting between the beauty i was reading and the urge to suck my teeth and stop reading this post. cause i myself am afraid to believe. *my eyes welled up with tears when i typed the last sentence.* and that fear lives with me when single and it lives with me when dating (which is part of the reason i am single now). now my logic knows better, and understands what beloved said [about having to be willing to get hurt to be open to love] completely. but my heart is another matter and it is worn and weary. my hope of finding love isn’t dead but it’s presence is ephemeral - and lucky for me, when i have it, it’s potent enough to get me through the times of disbelief."

this says the woman who has a carving in her living room that says, simply, "believe." this from a woman who wishes you all a faithful holiday season and a faithful year ahead. just wanted you to know that i see my own paradoxical quirks. and that if anyone else feels this way, you are not alone.