Monday, October 17, 2005

honey, i'm home

baby, as i left work this evening, i was preoccupied with thoughts of what i would fix us for dinner. chicken, maybe some spanish rice, and some broccoli. i know i fix broccoli too often, but i can't help that i like it so much. i was wondering if tonight would be a good night for that red number i bought that you don't know about yet, 'cause something tells me i have the stamina for a good long night tonight. and even though that's crazy, and i knew you weren't going to be home when i got there, i only had one thing on my mind while taking the backstreets to avoid rush hour traffic: i had to get home to spend time writing this letter to you.

i probably haven't even met you yet. and whether i have or not, negro what is taking you so long? let me tell you, i am tired of this single mess - aren't you? when is that part of you that is looking for me going to finally dominate the part of you that claims you're not ready? how is it that i can be so ready for you but we aren't courting yet? honey, i hope you're not this late for everything in our lives together...

i mean, i know that our courtship will not be easy for either of us. my problems with trust make me guarded and difficult to understand at times. i know, sweetheart, that that is not your fault, and you shouldn't have to pay for past hurts and inconveniences that other men have caused me - i will try my best to be as understanding of that as i can be while i struggle to open myself to the possibility that you are worthy of my effort and worthy of my trust. i know it will be hard for you that i insist on taking things slowly so that i don't fall hard in love with you right away, possibly setting myself up for a heartbreak that i could have avoided if i'd just been a little more wary and a lot less eager. i know it will probably be hard for you to not take it personally. awww, baby, my heart goes out to you. you might be tempted to think i'm testing you for the sake of a power struggle, but that's not it at all. maybe you will understand that it's easy for me to forget that i even have power in our relating to each other, cause i'm so busy worrying about the power you have to injure my pride and wound the optimistic part of my spirit, if you so choose. if you can just be patient enough to get through my insecurity (use a wide tooth comb baby, not a fine tooth) this love will be worth the patience and effort, i promise.

i won't mind yielding to your advances once i feel secure that your intentions will always be good, and considerate. 'cause i'll know then that even if our courtship hits rocky points, you will still make the effort to be as considerate about how i feel as i will about how you feel. see, at that point, that's when you will begin to see the boundlessness of my adoration for those things that i like about you. i won't be so reserved anymore with my expression. that's when i'll start talking about us in the future tense. that's when you won't get indifference from me when you start talking about us in the future tense. that's when i will begin to love you. not the love breezes i felt for you the first time i saw someone interesting in you when we met, or the love gusts i felt the first time we kissed, but the real strong devastating gale force love that will intimidate even me with its relentlessness, strength and intensity.

i want to talk about my spirituality with you. i want to listen to music with you. sit in the dark and listen to your breath while you sleep as i talk to God about how well i want Him to take care of you and give you the desires of your heart, to strengthen you and keep you safe from harm and in good health and in sound mind and in sound faith. i want to debate with you about anything you want, from music to politics to black nationalism to whether or not weird science deserves to be shown on cable 5,387 times a year to whether ch.eetos are better than dori.tos. i want to kiss every inch of your physical being. i want to make you understand your Creator's love for you that much more by showing you love through my actions and letting you see your value through my eyes. i want to make love to every facet of your mental being. except the parts you want to keep to yourself. cause i don't want to inhale all of you at once. i want you to strip tease. i want to always have something to discover, because i want you to always grow - i want to help inspire that growth - i want to be inspired to grow because of you. i want to share my life of wonderous discovery with you. and i want to know that you feel my love for you in my sweet potato pie just as much as when you know i love you by the way my breath quickens when you near me. i want you to recognize that i need your embrace on the regular, to give me a home like no other to come to when i need to feel love - not just know it's there, but literally feel it, around my shoulders, up against my skin, tightening and loosening with your breath like the ebb and flow of the ocean water, giving me release, giving me strength. this is what i want most from you - that peace, that security of knowing that you continually and consistently will make the choice to care about me as i do for you.

i want to know that you love the way i look, not because of the texture of my hair or the color of my skin or the warmth in my smile. not because of the curves of my body or the way that i walk, but because when you look at me, you recognize love in my gaze, and that that love is more beautiful to you than anything my parents could have endowed me with. because the love you see in this face is yours, all for you, faithfully and truly and timelessly, against all challenges, and even in light of your flaws and mistakes. because as you love me like how my Savior loves the church, i plan to radiate that right back to you, giving as the Lord gives, abundantly and without timidity and without failing. i am so in love with the idea of finally being able to do this for you one day that i am crying as i write this. i know i was made to love you.

i know it won't be easy all the time. i know. but when we get to the point where we realize that we can make the choice, every day, every incident, every breath, to do good to each other above all else, i think we'll be okay. i haven't met you yet, but i miss you. ain't that funny? one day we'll read this letter together and you might think i was just wiling out one day, writing about a love i just imagined that has nothing to do with what me and you really truly share. but that's not true. i don't have to know you personally yet to know what i want to do for you. or what i want from you. i'm writing this so you'll know you were on my mind even before we found each other. that i loved our love so much that i put time into it before it came into fruition. just like my mother loved me before i was born. just like God knew me and purposed me from the beginning, so have i come to love what we'll create together before we've even met.

so that when we join in passion and when my body erupts and my eyes roll into the back of my head and i start stuttering and bucking, it's not just your body i'm making love to - it's the beauty created by your choice to love me and my choice to love you. it's the selflessness with which we see each other as part of one whole. it's the carnal manifestation of a spiritual communion that takes my speech away and renders me capable of only hollering and gibberish because there are no words to describe the beauty found there. and i can't wait for us to get each other to come. there.

well, no, i can - i have to. because when i got home tonight, you weren't there and the closest i could get to spending time with you was to write this letter. i'm just hoping that you'll soon come to rescue me from dating purgatory, so that we can get our bliss on. just please don't wait until i don't really believe you're coming anymore, cause then it'll be that much harder to recognize you when you get here.

i love you,

your woman, your help meet, your muse, your confidante, your courtesan, your baby, your sugar, your spice, your wife.