i am sad. suddenly sad because once again the realization has dawned on me that i am not mature. there's nothing slow about my development, nothing overtly immature about me. but when i am in certain situations, i lack a certain amount of poise, restraint, wisdom. i am sooooo green sometimes. and that makes me sad. cause the only thing than can get me to ripen is experience. and i know, from what experience i do have, that experience is not easily gained. experience is often painful, confusing, unsettling. i know that it is in these painful moments that we gain the substantive parts of ourselves. those building blocks of memories, feelings, observations, and realizations that mature us from green to ripe. but i don't like pain. i want the benefit of wisdom without the trying times that necessarily precede such wisdom. the bible doesn't say that you simply reap. you have to sow in order to reap. sowing takes work, labor, sweat, dedication. and sometimes, pain. in these situations, where i look back and wince at mistakes i've made, i am really increasing as a person. it just doesn't feel like it. it feels like i need to quit - run and hide from any eyes that might see me falter. being green is embarrassing. it's easy to forget that all of us start out green. it's easy to forget that an unsettling amount of us never try to ripen, either hoping it will happen by serendipitous accident or never caring whether or not their ripening occurs. i suppose my mistakes shouldn't shame me so much. but i've never liked blushing - it's a horrible feeling. i really must be too proud of myself to feel as raggedy as i do when i get caught showing my fallibility. it's not easy being face to face with your own shortcomings and imperfections. i suppose i should extend more mercy to myself. i suppose i should seek out people who are willing to love me despite those weaker aspects of myself, so that when my slip is showing, so to speak, they'll nudge me lovingly, and be understanding of the fact that we should all be allowed some elbow room for error. i suppose some of my sadness is brought on by my irrational fear that noone knows how to tolerate my imperfections and that noone wants to be merciful to me. it's ridiculous and a bit self-centered to think that i am the only person who extends understanding to the shortcomings of others. God made me. that means i have value. someone else He made is able to see that value, and look past my hanging slip to the sweet dreamer, the lover, the friend in me. i suppose that if i find myself feeling silly in front of someone who supposedly cares about me, then maybe i should either allow them the opportunity to not laugh at me instead of assuming they will, or simply find new company who actually won't, because they choose to love me instead of judge me. i know in my intuition that God didn't make me this fearful. i rue the day this world corrupted the unafraid glory i was when i was born, and turned me into this quivering insecure person.
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