survival

i don't even have to find a reason to keep going. i keep going because i have no choice. i keep going because i fear stagnation and regression more than i fear forward motion. it is not easy, because i have trying times, like the one i am going through now. but what am i supposed to do? stand still and worry or bust my behind to move forward?

sometimes i marvel at my ability to keep going. this is why i believe there is a higher power that is benevolent. i know that i alone do not have the strength to keep fighting and trying and struggling. my faith isn't even mine - i don't give myself that much credit anymore. some One is pulling for me, pushing for me, vouching for me. i know this as sure as i understand that i am typing these words.

i know that i am too sensitive to deal with the sometimes overwhelming amount of difficulty in this existence. everywhere i look there is pain, suffering, misunderstanding, struggle, complication. hinduism and buddhism have so much truth... i, like most of us, have learned to accept such darkness as a part of reality. i built up a certain tolerance for images that are sorrowful. i internalized the biblical prophesy that a wicked world will only increase in its wickedness before this mess implodes on itself. i can actually sit through the evening news without crying. but every once in a while my piscean nature and my estrogen open me wide to a flood of tears for all of it - all of the ugliness that i feel powerless against. that's how i spent my weekend. it was rough. my parents and friends got me through.

i understand self-medication now.

i don't drink at all or smoke at all, nor have i ever done drugs, because i fear excess consumption and addiction. my intuition knows that a false escape from reality is more than i would be able resist or control. i choose personal relationships, music, and writing to console this tear stained spirit.

i keep going because i must. in the face of my personal problems, the problems of my loved ones, the problems of my community, my people, my nation, my world. i must. not just me, but all of us. it is truly amazing how some of us manage to grow and flourish and bloom in the presence of all these weeds, but we do. the others - the "lazy," the "crazy," the outcasts - i forgive them for the vices we label them with. there, but for the grace of God, goes me.

i am not afraid of death. i am open to meeting my Maker. i have a feeling that in my dying breath, i will welcome what follows. but before y'all jump to conclusions and try to put me on suicide watch, i am in no rush to hasten that poignant moment. i have some moving forward to do. there may be some ugliness i can conquer before my peace comes. the only way to know is to keep going. ride this thing til the wheels burn off.