Tuesday, October 25, 2005

climbing out

why is it that when you stumble into a hole, climbing out is so hard? in case you couldn't tell by my posts lately, i have been ministering to myself, hard, to get out of a hole i'd stumbled into. literally and figuratively, it is difficult to gain traction when it is raining. there is nothing like waking up in the morning to sunshine streaming through my windows. but gloom and rain? pshhhh, are you serious? that's a sure cue to roll over, get nestled in the covers, and dismiss the world outside my door.

but okay, that's not all. say you climb out of the hole. now you have to gain momentum. well momentum is something you have to work for. it doesn't just come to you. you have to make a conscious effort to get upright, face a direction, train your eye on a destination, and get that posterior in gear. key factors here are energy and attitude. athletes use mental and physical conditioning and electrolytes and carb loading and stuff. scholars use coffee and dollar signs and recognition and the pursuit of knowledge. the faithful use prayer and praise and fasting and holy scriptures. clubhoppers use the saturday night mix in the ride on the way to the velvet rope. what do you use?

i've been talking. a lot. to mom. to best friends. i am truly my father's child - i could never take a vow of silence, i'm telling you. talking and being honest about things i'm going through helps. because no matter how scary things may seem, once i run 'em by someone else, it's like their looming threatening stance just gets shrunken down into manageable stuff. holding in the scary things and mulling them over just makes them even scarier. so i'm glad i have three women that truly love me and are willing to listen. love for mom is just a given. me and mom are tight - she is my best friend, my most trusted confidante, my most honest but gentle critic, my strongest supporter (alongside my dad). my two best friends and i have been a trio for over half our lives since we've been playing double-dutch together. i don't have sisters. but they are better, cause they love me by choice, not by default. God willing, one day, far away from now, we'll be cackling through false teeth together. we are the stereotypical group of friends you read about in novels or see on t.v. i'ma have to blog about this bond another time - it deserves more respect than these lil' piddly lines...

i've been keeping up connections with my family too. visiting, talking, just being a part of a family. my cousin's baby girl just celebrated her first birthday! i visit her on the regular - i was there when she started walking several steps at a time. it was a pleasure to watch her wear her first birthday hat and stick her little hands in the cake. i am so proud of my cousin and his wife - how they are involving the whole family in their smaller family's joy. they make me smile about things to come in my own life. i tease and play with my cousins' children, ask them how school is going, hug them, show them love and interest in who they are becoming. i thank God for their parents, cousins who ask me how i'm doing, if there's anything i need, if i'm coming out with them the next time they go out. i am so glad i live near my mom's family. there's no security like belonging to and being claimed by a good family, even if they are crazy.

then there are always thursdays at the open mic with my other family. i have posted time and time again about how much that outlet is good for me. it's a place where i go and express myself like i can in no other place. i can share ideas there with like-minded folks, and shoot, different-minded folks too. it's really a place where love gets exchanged. listening to each other and sharing our talents with each other is really an act of love.

service to others is another one. i volunteered at a charity walk - and it made a lil' difference in the world and with me. i'm looking forward to some more projects coming up with my sorority sisters during the holiday season. makes me feel good - useful to somebody else on this planet besides myself... matter of fact, *shameless plug coming* give to the juvenile diabetes research foundation - research may help us find a cure.

then there was a house party - what a treat! i actually had a good time bonding with and making new friends and hanging out in an atmosphere that made me feel oh so welcome. it's almost hard to believe i've only been in the area for a little over 6 months and here i'm already making friends that i look forward to seeing and keeping up with.

you know what else is good? just being at home. i love my place. it's small but comfortable and cozy. it's a reflection of the things i like most about myself - it's full of color and plants and music and art and the scents of food and incense. just being at home, looking around at the comfort i've created for myself, is like looking into my soul and seeing someone i really really like... it's self-affirming just to spend time at home.

running over those things i've learned about the presence and the love of God gives me the motivation to do any of the things i've mentioned before. if i didn't have that faith, why would any of this other stuff in my full life matter...

i've climbed out of my hole. and now i'm facing a direction. and my eyes are getting trained on a destination, at least for now. destinations change. goals evolve. but for now, for today, i'm on my way somewhere, and it feels good to know i'm not standing still or stuck in a hole or hiding under some covers somewhere. i got caught in the rain last night with no umbrella - and it didn't faze me. i was moving with too much determination.