Wednesday, March 08, 2006


i hesitate to call my visitor a friend.

acquaintance is more like it. one of those you deal with, 'cause they're around, you know them well, and 'cause hey, such is life. uninvited, pensive melancholy takes a seat and sits with me, reminding me of all my cares, fears, and insecurities. i put up with the visit and share my space, 'cause i know it's all just a big cycle. this visitor will come and go. it's part of the balance of life. the death of fall/the birth of spring. infant incontinence/elderly incontinence. satisfaction and joy/melancholy and lowness. it is what it is. i don't shy away from my visitor. i allow the feeling to be itself. i turn on the radio and let luther's voice soothe me... let minnie's sweet soaring ribbons paint pretty pictures of flight in my mind... let the elements rock me in nostalgia and in the magic of horns and voiced harmonies that make me forget momentarily about the visit. i distract myself by checking e-mail, message boards, the blog comments. i curl up into a ball, radiating my own body heat to myself, holding opposite arms with opposite hands. no tears. just the patience of waiting for the visitor to leave... flipping channels to distract my mind... munching on the homemade cookies i baked in a happier time, when the kitchen was a room full of celebration, and not the room i try to avoid when my visitor comes. i blog, not for sympathy, but to share the cycle and to have a reason to put words together. i think about my goals and dreams and remember that they are attainable. i think about my healing and remember that the power is within me, because He gives to those who ask in faith. i think about the door, knowing that as sure as the visitor came and pulled up a chair, the visitor will move on, out that same door, vacating that chair for joy to roll back through. i think about how beautiful tomorrow's sunshine will be, now that the days are getting longer. the sunshine is stronger in the sky as i wake up lately. its rays reach through the blinds and play on my face in stripes of encouragement that tickle me to keep going. the thought of tickling sun rays gives me a reason to look forward to tomorrow. the visitor squirms in the chair and looks toward the door. i pull my many covers up around my neck to give me the embrace i need to fall asleep, knowing that in the morning... Lord! in the morning... my visitor will have left me, unable to stand my indifferent reception. unable to touch my heart. unable to separate me from the faith and the energy that keep me going.