disturbed

i am disturbed by the notion that religion will kill us all. that the distortion of knowledge and wisdom blinds us to truth. that the ego and greed of a few can and has become the destruction of many.

i am disturbed that if that woman had been a man, and that student had been a girl, that teacher would have gone to jail. but noone seems to care about this double standard. and everyone wants to make jokes.

i am disturbed by yet another article about the plight of black men. i appreciate that tav.is smil.ey recognizes that the problem isn't just for our doorsteps but for america's doorstep. i celebrate sonny redd's nose-thumbing at the statistics that are used to freak us out. clutch our purses harder. set our standards and expectations lower. believe a little less. excuse a little more dysfunction. remove a little more blame from all the appropriate scapegoats. i'm tired of this isht.

i am disturbed by people talking about each other. i don't understand the deficit in some people's spirits that allows them to take their words so lightly. you can't believe everything you hear. sometimes nobody bothers to check with the source. some sources lie. some people's perception of events and situations is warped and flawed. but a listener may take the words as truth, spread them as truth, and the next thing you know, people have it all wrong. turning the innocent into monsters. turning the innocent into victims. in this respect, i can see how the first paragraph has come to be...

i am disturbed by my hesitance to take steps forward. this happens sometimes when i fear the possible consequences of decisions i make. it is an annoying habit of mine. i usually get myself together in time to keep from screwing everything up. by and large, my decisions have been very good ones. but the more life i live, the more crucial the decisions get, and the scarier decision-making becomes, and the stronger and more dangerous my hesitance looms over my progress. i find it ironic that i expect to enjoy companionship with someone who has confidence in his own ability to make good choices, yet i struggle with that myself. perhaps we just love to see strengths in others that we feel are weak in ourselves.

i am disturbed by my talent for dreaming and envisioning and aspiring - when i contrast that talent with my actual actions.

i am sometimes disturbed with my willingness to hold up a mirror to myself, exploring my flaws. publicly, in retrievable print, before others.

i am disturbed by the challenge to examine my willingness to be a hypocrite. by the call to be my best self, knowing the possible ramifications of living such a bold life. i am disturbed by the battle between good and evil within me and around me. disturbed by the intuitive knowledge that i will either have to live fully and engage myself in the conflict, or die inside, and lay dormant, as much a part of the problem as i could have been a part of the transcendence above it. i wasn't kidding when i said my birth was reluctant.

i am disturbed, both by the fact i have so many things to think about, and by my desire to suspend my thoughts. is it really, i think, therefore i am? i've never really studied that statement, neither have i ever enjoyed expending too much energy on being philosophical... but sometimes i wonder what existence would be like without thought, wishing for it, but guessing that there could be no such existence... and in that case, wouldn't it be, i am, therefore i think? who cares? that's why i never took a philosophy course.

i am disturbed that i have a blog entry for every day after my declaration that i didn't have time to do so. because i know what this means, even though i try my best to fight it. time is ticking. air is thinning. and i wish a vacation was all i needed. ignorance is not bliss, this i know. but neither is knowledge. and if i spend too much time marinating on that... i'll get disturbed.