okay

i lost a plant this weekend. i love keeping plants. i have several in my home. it's nice to have them around because they're living beings and that can be very inspiring when you live alone. after christmas, my job had several large poinsettia plants that they were going to throw away. i picked up one for myself and another for my aunt. some folks don't know that though you usually don't see them on display until just in time for the holiday season, poinsettias will stay alive into the new year and beyond if you just love 'em. i found that out from my mom, who probably got her love for houseplants from her mom before passing hers on to me. i gave it a shot, making sure my poinsettia got sunlight and water... but it was never really happy. the whole time i had it, it just kept dropping leaves. i'll never know why. i can go through all the maybe-i-should'ves but in the end, what's done is done. i had to put it out of its misery today. it had simply lost so many leaves, and the remaining leaves were wilting, and it was just the most pitiful looking thing... i took my scissors and cut up its remains, then took the roots and dirt out of the pot, which i'll reuse for another plant that needs a bigger pot to grow in. it was really sad, because when i cut up the poinsettia, it started to bleed this white sticky plant starch that i had to wash off of my hands, just like a slaughter. i felt bad that i couldn't do more to make its life better. i mean, i did save it from certain death. but i wouldn't say that the past few months have been good for the plant, either... i got my mourn on, but i know that life (even for poinsettias) goes on.

it'll be okay.

my mom and i had a talk today about my hesitance to add too many more people (including men) to the inner circle of my life, trusting them with my friendship and my confidence. i've had my trust betrayed and my expectations disappointed enough times to not want to open myself wide again. (wide open wide the mistake was made love slipped from my lips dripped down my chin...)

you know what she told me?

get over it. that's the way of the world. (plant your flowers and they'll grow and grow a child is born with a heart of gold the way of the world makes his heart turn cold.) my response? that's just more evidence that i don't belong on this planet amongst all this coldness and betrayal, if this is the way it has to be. she wanted to know where i thought i belonged, if not here. i told her, where i came from - with my Creator.

you know what she told me?

Jesus was with the Creator, but came here because He had a gift for the world. if He could do it to share his gift, so can you, because you have a gift you have to share. He was betrayed too, and He found the ability to love, anyway. so can you.

you know what i told her?

nothing.

life goes on. it'll be okay.