determined

(apparently, i had more to say today than i thought i would when i posted last night.)

when i'm in the car, i turn my radio down so i can't hear the music. when i'm washing the dishes, i talk to myself. people have been looking at me strange lately as i go to and fro, lips moving, no sound.

i'm repeating my poems over and over without my beat up black and white marble composition

easy to let yourself panic

notebook. i'm gaining the ability to spit without thinking too hard. gaining the ability to play off the "think heffa - think!!!" pauses where i need to remember the next line. if i just calm down and have faith that the next line will surface, it's easy to realize that the silence just creates a useful dramatic pause where noone is the wiser as long as i keep a poker face. funny how i would give

if you don't have faith

in your ability to make it

to the other side of the gap

that advice from my acting days to other poets, and now here i am using it myself. but it's easy to let yourself panic in that moment between lines if you don't have faith in your ability to make it to the other side of the gap...

i have yellow sticky notes all over the place, 'cause that's the most convenient place, most times, to write down a haiku that happens to me. seventeen syllables. i love it! they are the sixteen bars of poetry. i never go anywhere without a pen and paper anymore - i can't afford to - i might miss something. my heart and mind are always open to new wordplay. and i pay more attention to my thoughts now, 'cause so many of them could be poems.

my feature at the HEAT is coming in less than a month. i want to do new pieces so that my friends won't be bored with the same things they've been hearing from me since i first got on the mic in july. i hope i can remember my new stuff by the time the feature comes. if i stop running around so much and take some time to sit and write out the contents of my heart, i can get the new stuff done in time enough to memorize them by the feature.

i'm determined. it can happen.