Friday, January 13, 2006


if a woman tells you that there are no hard feelings, but that she would rather you stop giving her complimentary attention because it makes her uncomfortable, listen to her. heed her words. she is trying to save your time and her blood pressure. there is no amount of complimenting her, trying to make small talk, or following her around that will change her mind, once she has decided that you will always, henceforth, and forever more be in the i-won't-date-you-hell-i-don't-even-want-to-be-your-friend category. that's my word.

this is the fallout of not heeding her words: she will come to resent your very presence in a room. if she had the opportunity to get a restraining order to force you to be 500 feet away from her at all times, not because she fears for her safety, but because she fears for yours, she would. she would either embarrass you thoroughly in front of any passersby who would later be more than willing to repeatedly regale you with recounting how your pride was mercilessly and skillfully assaulted by a woman, or she would solicit the help of her friends to help keep you away from her - either way, a window will be opened to others, showing the extent of your pathetic attempts to wedge your way into her life in the face of blatant rejection.

have some pride about yourself. take the hint. when you try to initiate a conversation and she

have some pride

about yourself

acts distant, unwilling to speak, rude even? stop talking to her. she doesn't like you. when there's a seat near her and you take it, hoping to be close to her and that she will notice you and suddenly realize how wonderful you are, only to watch her find some way to get away from you, let your feelings be hurt. let them be bruised to the point of hating the idea that she has the nerve to not love you back. some women aren't playing hard to get. some women just don't like you.

this sounds like tough love advice that a kind parent or friend would give to a young man, first discovering girls, whose game isn't quite refined yet. in fact, this is advice that i wish someone would give to certain other someone who almost ruined my evening. i ultimately decided not to let this ardent admirer steal the joy out of my entire evening since i felt safe, and since i was among friends who understood what was going on and were kind enough to indulge my pouting attitude and my need to play musical chairs to "run" away from the admirer. i'm actually embarrassed at how i handled it - silently, passively, hoping he would just get the hint based on my prior "leave me alone" speech and miraculously go away. in hindsight, i wonder if perhaps i should have checked this certain someone, with venom, since i'd already warned him before, and kept on about my business, resisting the temptation to guilt myself for hurting his feelings by reasoning that it didn't seem to affect his guilt that he was ignoring my plea to be left alone and making me uncomfortable in one of the few places i go where i can relax and have a good time.

i always thought that people were redeemable - that you can improve situations with honesty

can't be nice to


and kindness. some people are just dayum hardheaded. some people incite you to entertain the thought of meanness - violence, even. it is in my nature to try to give my best to others, including forgiveness, second chances, understanding, etc. but a friend of mine told me something last night that i would not have entertained until that very moment: you can't be nice to everyone. he's right. some people take kindness as an open door. sometimes you have to remind them that your kindness doesn't mean that you don't have boundaries.

and this is why i resolve to no longer succumb to trying to fulfill unrealistic expectations of

unrealistic expectations of


kindness above and beyond what's expected for everyone - that only needs to be reserved for those who deserve it, like those who are kind enough to reciprocate respect for you. i resolve to not allow my peace to be shaken anymore over people who deserve to be admonished. i resolve to be brutal(ly honest) when it's necessary to salvage my peace. i just hope that this resolve doesn't create a monster. but a sista has to have her limits, right? right.