all dressed up...

on new year's eve, i had a friend over. my policy was, my door is open to anyone who wants to stop through. i was glad to receive the company of this sisterfriend. we talked and bonded for hours, and for all the words we exchanged, these are the ones i remember most vividly:
"i'm already a wife and a mother, it's just that my husband and kids ain't here yet."

ain't that something???

the statement was made in a matter-of-fact way. an almost flippant but very sincere, naked declaration. what's interesting is that it doesn't matter which one of us single black females said it, it hit both of us in the "ooh, yeah, that describes it" part of the heart that recognizes when its inner workings are adequately given an articulate voice. we paused in wonder after the words... we each had that aha! facial expression - marveling at that suspension of time that happens when the words are just. right.

i walk around my place sometimes and just look at what i see around me. i have made a nest here. i blog about it often enough. the plants, the pictures, the food, the colors, the decorative plates on plate stands... this place is no single party girl's mere crash pad. this is no hermit's cave. there is a concerted effort made in every room to infuse life and comfort into the space between these four walls. it is as if i am trying to will the universe through the work of my hands to place my future family within my reach. i bake cookies. i lay out games in the living-but-not-family room. i hang pictures of smiling family members. i habitually cook more food than i can eat by myself. i just unloaded some extra banana pudding and chocolate chip cookies on my cousin and best friend. this weekend, besides the two parties i went to, i mended a seam on a shirt. then i took on a b.smi.th-like project (i woulda said mar.tha s.tewart, but i had to go with the sista who doesn't shine as much as she could if ma.rtha wasn't around, a la everybody in the shadow of m.j. but i digress...) complete with hot glue gun and a trip to the crafts section of wa.lmart, (the store from hades). and, even worse, i had the nerve to wonder how much more fun it would have been to have tiny hands helping me with my project... earth-to-glory!!! honey, you are not flor.ida evans, clair h.uxtable or june cl.eaver, and no amount of trips to the grocery store or crafts store will get you there.

i know mentally that life happens as it does, when it does, and there is no peeking around the corner with some things. they just are what they are. i also know mentally that domesticity alone does not a wife and mother make. that's too easily comprehensible for words. but i can't help but wonder if perhaps the works of my hands signal some subconscious desire to start mating and laying eggs in this nest a little sooner than that part of my life is ripe for the happening. that's a little scary. i really don't want to become one of those obsessive chicks who only has a one-track-nesting-mind. ewww. a family can sooooooo wait right now. i have dreams to pursue.

perhaps i need to take a break from all my married/engaged/pregnant/parent friends (which, come to think about it, is darn near everyone i spend time with) for a while so i can fully embrace the single life. i'm sure there are some redeeming things to say for not being married yet. um... oh yeah, i can come in when i want, no questions asked. i always get to think of my wants, first and foremost. um... wow, i'm drawing a blank on others. i'm sure there are more, i just can't think of them at the moment. probly cause i'm sleepy and yawning so hard that my eyes are tearing up. probly should sleep, huh? yeah... i'll holla...