Friday, January 27, 2006


went to one of the open mics last night. it's usually the highlight of my week. i usually go real hyped. when i walk in the door i am usually happy to be there, especially a few minutes after i walk through the door, sign up on the list, and pick a seat and get settled in. i usually go around and say hi and give hugs to all the folks i know. i usually laugh more easily, talk more readily, and give and take as much love as i can handle.

not last night. last night i was on some silent tip. sullen. antisocial. i don't know why, i just was. i tried to get myself out of it, but i couldn't loosen up. i tried to have fun, but everything was just off. i had some conversations here and there. networked a bit. exchanged a few notes. but instead of being my usual sunny 77 degree self, i was more like 59, overcast, with a 85 percent chance of rain. my hugs were brief, my tongue unusually sharp and profane, my smiles forced, my compliments labored. i just couldn't shake the funk.

i wouldn't say i didn't have a good time or try to contribute to the fun. i wouldn't say i didn't share some love last night with my friends and acquaintances. but something was just. off. when i finally drove away, i put on some music with one of those hard beats that reminds me of walking down a city block, facing the winter wind, wearing enough clothes to look like i'm wearing football gear, mean mugging to keep the bustas away. it fed my inner defiance and was the soundtrack for my aggression. i figured, if you can't beat it, revel in it. which is exactly what i did. i do strive to be my best self. most of the time. sometimes, though, i'm just brittle.

have you ever had a problem, and you knew what it was, but you didn't want to face it, 'cause you knew if you did that you would have to confront some truths about yourself that you'd rather not admit, or have to face some tasks that you'd rather not have to complete?

i have work to do.

this is the kind of stuff that goes into my private journal. the kind of stuff i can't share here. the kind of stuff i don't even want to face myself.

but i must. this is an emergency.

time will tell how this will all play out...