where's my exit?

i'm not too ashamed to admit that at times (most times) i lack direction. life seemed a little simpler when my only job was to aim for being the head of the class and qualify for college scholarships. to use my spare time to entertain myself (reading, tv, watercolors, music, double dutch) and/or learn how to function like an adult (minimum wage jobs and first bank accounts). happiness then meant staying out of trouble and being allowed to do increasingly more grown-up things. i had so much time to entertain myself and was so busy learning and discovering that, barring some minor crisis, happiness wasn't something i questioned.

but now it's different. school is behind me now. little love letters show up once a month, reminding me that i am an indentured servant to the government (chris rock says uncle sam is like the one who sent me to college... but molested me.

i want out

before i get too deep in...

when i think about it, he is so right.) meanwhile, like most sharecroppers in generations before me, i do what i must to fulfill my financial obligations, and ration the rest of my time for what can take my mind off of the reality that i don't belong to myself. and now that i'm no longer aiming for school... my trajectory has to be set by me. if i let societal expectations paint that picture for me, i guess that means to aim for promotion after promotion, pay raises, mortgage (or two), nest egg, phat retirement account, car, husband (oh joy! two-income household), 2.5 kids, dog. and maybe, if i'm a good girl, about 30-35 years down the road, uncle sam will stop sending me love letters once a month.

something ain't right. cause somewhere in that path, my watercolors and canvas got lost. maybe they are off the path somewhere, laying in some weeds beside the stories i want to someday write. and the music i want to someday make, and the poems i want to publish one day. somewhere the trip i need to make to west africa is sitting idle, feeling rejected in favor of societal expectations.

oooh. there's got to be a better way. i understand why people lose their identity in their work, struggling to get to the corner office, hoping for the money that should buy them more time. or why people spend $20 a day on lottery tickets. and why some people abuse the concept of the tithe, giving readily to the church hoping that God will bless them with a windfall just because they give ten percent or more. we want out of this box. get money to make money. have credit to get credit. walk the tightrope of debt over the ominous pit of minimum payment hell or worse yet, bankruptcy. feed your babies m.cdona.ld's cause there's not enough energy for dinner. quickie sex 'cause epic intimate symphonies take too much time and energy to compose. we want out.

shoot, i want out before i get too deep in. cause a life sentence of middle class lock-step, check-to-check servitude is counter intuitive to my understanding of happiness and it endangers the creativity within me that is one of the characteristics i cherish most about myself. i'm looking for the alternate path. can't waste too much time. some radical faith-based action may soon come.

i need to pray.