Wednesday, November 23, 2005


i love myself. because when all else fails, i am here to love myself. sing to myself. dance with myself. write for my own pleasure. play music and sing for myself. cook good food to eat myself. affirm myself. counsel myself. celebrate myself. congratulate myself. teach myself. learn myself. i wonder if being an only child was to prepare me for now? no (wo)man is an island. but i think if i was, i'd be a'ight.

for a while, anyway.

the thought of this, stretching on, month after year after decade after phase of life, is stark. conjuring images of a melancholy me, an apparition of myself, more like the watermark than the real deal.

i love myself.
so i keep the faith. choosing to be upbeat and anticipatory. and loving.

in the face of phantom kisses. the memories of decadent embraces, joys and the stomach flutters of nervous anticipation. under the memory of unparalleled friendship. carrying the phantom limbs around my waist or over my shoulders or intertwined with my own. confronting the images of familiar countenances on the back of closed eyelids struggling to shade out the world to seek the peace within. finding only sentimentality that may not be uttered and tears that aren't allowed to form over time that cannot be salvaged, words that cannot be rescinded. feelings that can be recalled, but not felt with the poignancy of times past. sharing that will never be duplicated. optimism that will never have its original shape, fuzzy and stretched and faded like an old sweater, appreciated, but worn faithfully to the point of trial. discarded foolish wishes, lurking, not for serious import but as reminders of tender injuries and surgically precise cuts, just painful enough to build fear and the occasional apathy. and finally, restraint that refuses to take these bricks and mortar and create the wall that has no real chance of protecting that most valuable tenderness or benefiting that most valuable hope. as madness threatens, the temptation for frenzy succumbs to faith and so

i patiently love myself. actively, and not only in cliched utterance. choosing to be upbeat and to look forward. away from the haunting memories. ahead to the ones i want to make someday.