can you hear me now?

my mobile phone is a worthless piece of excrement from the most dismal and smoking pit of hades and i rue the day the resources were ever wasted on its manufacture, especially in light of the fact that it hasn't worked properly since some distant day last week.

and to paraphrase a comedian i often detest, my wireless company can kiss the darkest part of my posterior. you offspring of unwed parents, to the molten banks of the river styx i condemn you, donning drawls doused in the most flammable of rocket fuels. may your eternal torture give you at the very least a small hint of the inconvenience and frustration that i feel dealing with your incompetent, inconsiderate lack of both service and utility.