Thursday, September 08, 2005


i don't like fear.

i like to face fears. it makes me proud of my strengths and it helps me to battle my weaknesses. but when i don't face a fear - when i allow it to paralyze my thoughts, movement, and progress - i come out feeling like i have failed myself. like i have failed God. because I do not believe He created me to be a fearful person. i'm supposed to trust Him enough to know that nothing i can possibly be afraid of is bigger or badder than Him, my protector. my daddy.

but sometimes i still get scared anyway. so then not only am i dealing with the fear itself, but i am also dealing with my shame and guilt over feeling scared in the first place. fear is so annoying. aggravating.

i am usually in a position to either face a fear or remain trembling in its grip when i am faced with a new frontier. i'm not talking about big dog barking at me or big bee following my perfume fear. i'm talking about should i take this job fear, or should i move out of state fear. can i trust this person fear. is this sacrifice worth it fear. shall i dare to dream that big fear. more often than not the fear is a fear of failure. but sometimes, it's fear of success. other times, it's fear of change. the first is a little more understandable than the other two. but fear of success is just damn stupid. fear of change is futile because change is inevitable and necessary. every breath we breathe is a change.

but that fear of failure... what if this? what if that? maybe i shouldn't? those are very powerful, intimidating questions. sometimes they whup my behind with their dark possibilities, keeping me up at night, sapping all the juice out of my attention span.

part of me always wants to say, girl go for it. the worst that can happen won't kill you. it could possibly knock the breath out your chest for a second, but one good choke and you're back in action. for the record, i listen to that wiser part of glory more often than i choose not to listen to her. but even she will admit she doesn't like the prospect of getting laid out.

though my heart may tremble, my mind knows that i can't live my life in fear, because that, dear reader, is not a life. it's a mere existence. there are too many lessons to be learned, too many pleasures to be had for me to be a punk and miss it all.

so i am hoping that my mind and my heart can get it together, cause i'm facing a frontier that is ripe with possibilities and i just want to get this right and not make a mistake. i just want to get this right and not have any regrets. i know i can't be perfect, but can't a sista strive?