Thursday, September 15, 2005

d.l. derelict

i know i can't be the only one that doesn't find adulthood easy. cause if i was, there wouldn't be so many bankruptcies and divorces and substance abuse. being responsible is a constant thorn in my side. staying on top of all the different areas of my life is an ever-present chore. gotta keep the house clean, remember to budget, keep up your personal and professional associations, stay healthy, work on your goals, perform at work, care about other people, keep from looking a mess... if it ain't one thing it's another. i, being the emotionally driven person that i am, always find a way to let go of the stress that sometimes comes with striving to get it all right so that i can be happy. except sometimes "letting go of stress" becomes "letting go of responsibility" which ultimately becomes "stressing 'cause i ain't been responsible" which leads to frustration, shame, and disappointment, not happiness. there's a proper balance to the whole thing which i sometimes miss somehow - get it done, but don't drive yourself crazy, get some rest, but don't let your priorities get neglected...

i am not a type a person. granted, my life can largely be characterized and benchmarked by my various little achievements, for example, finishing school, or getting a "real" job. but anything i ever did was 75% done out of societally imposed necessity. i didn't want to be in school. i didn't want to get a job. i did want to eat, however - so there we find the reason why i studied in school and hunted for work. but the truth is, i am lazy. i am soooo lazy. i am a big fat couch potato who sleeps until three in the afternoon watching old tv shows all night in a pair of oversized sweats in a messy house - who just happens to be trapped in the body of a somewhat responsible person.

thank God for the ability to cram. and talk my way out of situations. thank God for grace periods and kind people. thank God for multiple bill paying methods. thank God for healthy amounts of pride and fear that things may fall apart. thank God for credit reports - cause if i wasn't worried about maintaining my credit score, i might pay bills maybe 'bout three times a year. thank God for the wisdom that tells me that if i don't clean it up now, i'll just have to clean it later when it's crustier and dustier.

i hope maybe i'll be less lazy on the inside in the case that i have children. they deserve a mom with energy and initiative for its own sake, and not just cause "i have to..." shoot, maybe i can muster up the initiative to be less lazy for my own sake, so i can stop fighting my way out of bed in the morning and grumbling my way to work... i suppose time will tell.