Wednesday, September 21, 2005


do you remember who you wanted to be when you grew up? are you that person? do you still want to be that person? if you're not that person, are you still trying to get there, or have you lost sight of that person you wanted to be?

i don't mean occupation, like, "i want to be an astronaut," or like a famous hero, like, "i want to be like flo jo." i mean characteristics, like, "i want to be really classy and well dressed like miss daisy." "i want to be really smart like my mom." "i want to be more patient with people than my auntie." or maybe even things you've always wanted to do, like, "i want to dance and be graceful like miss safara," or, "i want to sing for people, like my grandma," or "i want to make beautiful artwork, like my art teacher."

would the person you were when you were eight years old like the person that you are today? would they approve of how you live your life, the choices you've made? if you, at your current age, decided to time travel to visit your eight year old self/twelve year old self/fifteen year old self - would you have to apologetically explain how your life is now, or could you share with joy and pride how you have the character you've always wanted to develop, or achieved that one goal that was near and dear to your childhood heart. does it even matter if they would be disappointed in you? perhaps their outlook on life is different from yours because you are more mature now. perhaps your experiences have shaped you to see things differently, invalidating the opinions of your eight year old self...

i think that my childhood me would like today's me. she would dig the sunshine and bright colors and art and plant life and comfortable digs in my apartment. she would like my car (especially since it was new when i was her age LOL). i think she would be proud that i spend so much spare time writing and imagining, that i painted the picture that hangs above my bed, and that i wear jewelry that tinkles with beads and sounds and colors. she wasn't expecting my career choice at all, but i think she wouldn't be mad at it, especially upon finding out that it will soon take a turn that was closer to a passion of hers from waaaaay back. she would like my friends. my clothes? maybe not so much. LOL. i think my character isn't quite as lofty as she aspired it to become, but i think she would forgive me and allow me some time to grow. many of my dreams are dreams of hers that i took time and effort to resurrect and rediscover. i suppose i'm not much different than that little girl, insofar as dreaming is concerned. and i like that consistent thing about me - i never stop dreaming. maybe i've limited myself a little out of fear of failure, which i don't think she'd like (shoot, i don't like it now, but i was there when i did it, so i understand what happened). but overall, i think she'd like me. and i think she'd encourage me to keep trying to reach my dreams - and not to forget her.