juggling

juggling is hard for me. it's always been hard for me. i don't know if it's a coordination problem, a rhythm problem, an effort problem or what. but i've never been able to do it.

it's an apt word to use when trying to describe multi-tasking. we all do it. we all have to. and sometimes when i do it, it really does make me feel like how i feel when i attempt to juggle.

i'm not overwhelmed, i'm not burned out, i'm not crazy (i think... 'cause that's what all the crazy people insist), but i am definitely going through something. some folks may not be able to relate to this statement, but i believe that spiritual warfare is real. that not all the elements of the dark and light play nicely together, and sometimes there is clashing and strife and struggle, not just in the world, but within individuals as well. i believe that sometimes your best intentions can be thwarted by having to deal with your shortcomings. i believe that sometimes you have to fight to stay encouraged in the face of situations that don't, on their face, support your dreams. i think sometimes circumstances somehow seem to arise to distract you from the true realization of your dreams.

and in the midst of all of this, we each have to recognize the threats to our dreams and neutralize them - draw a line, some defining boundary - and declare that this is where the clashing ends. this is where i change myself and/or the circumstances around me or adjust shape like water to maintain my composition under this new temperature or despite the shape of this container. this is where i declare that i will not be discouraged. i will not succumb to complacency or confusion or doubt or whatever it is that seems to stand in the way of your wellness and being your best self.

i am in that process now. reconciling my balances, affirming my dreams, articulating my intentions with greater fervor. so that i don't lose the visions and goals and my drive to dream and shoot for my dreams. so that i don't lay down and stop fighting and become a mindless drone who's just trying, at bare minimum, not to screw it all up. may God be with me.