Thursday, August 10, 2006

pull back

sometimes i just need to pull back and be more patient with myself.

significant parts of my day were spent just trying to stay upbeat, because i was losing patience with my own artistic progress, my own financial progress, my own progress with - ironically enough - my lack of patience in general.

i can sometimes be more forgiving of others than with myself. i was really aggravated by something that my beloved father said to me this evening. within the hour, i'd forgiven him, mentally walked in his shoes, decided against railing against him to prove my point, and decided to let the anger go. but today, for hours, i held myself up to my own measuring stick about what i shoulda woulda could have accomplished by now. then i walked around with the screwface (or alternatively, the everything's-okay mask) for way longer than i allowed myself to be upset with my dad.

i think it's important to be my own judge. i think it would be better to catch myself slipping and correct myself than to let someone else catch me messing up and not even realizing it. i'm my father's child, can't help that bit of pride. but sometimes i can be a little hard on myself, maybe in an attempt to balance out the times when i'm not diligent enough with my tasks. my own progress in whatever goals or development i aim to achieve will not be instantaneous. growth takes time, progress takes time too. and i think that today i needed to be a little more forgiving. i am so blessed to have someone in my space who sees me the way i need to see myself sometimes. otherwise, i probably would still be poking at my own scabs.

i have, however, endured enough self-admonishment to know some of the goals and tasks i have to prioritize in order to make myself happier with the fruits of my labor, so that the time i spend can be as productive as possible. once i get on that track, i'm sure i'll feel better about myself, and that can only feed my momentum and help me to get even better. i'm a firm believer that attitude can make all the difference.

so, ah, i'ma just pull back and stop berating myself for not being ahead of where i currently am on this path. c'est la vie, right? i'll keep it moving and try to remember to keep my attitude in check!