Wednesday, August 16, 2006

finding/taking/making a place

it felt good to be at my venue last night - the one where i first read my poetry in front of others, the one where i became one of the folks who help to put it together every month, the one that holds a special place in my heart.

i wasn't feeling well immediately before it was time to leave. i think i was dehydrated or something - dizzy, hot, unreasonably exhausted. i ate, drank, rested... and got to the venue late. without my notebook. but hey, i got there without missing too much, and i'm glad for that. the place was packed, more behinds than chairs for them to fit in. the poetry was varied, and we saw faces old and new. i was thoroughly entertained!

i got a chance to feel for a moment like i wasn't out of the loop. i renewed my commitment to myself to find a way to stay in it. i have a featured performance coming up next week (for which i have to prepare my time). i have to write through my writer's block - sometimes writing is a discipline thing, not an inspiration thing.

also, two major things have developed as potential community projects for me to help organize and run. it's interesting that although i'm comfortable with being the impetus for these projects, i'm not comfortable with being the only one to make them happen. i realize i'm too selfish and guarded with my time. i'm not a sacrificial type of person - at least not to the extent that i'm willing to pick up all the pieces if noone else wants to put their time into a project. i want these things to come together where the people involved have an understanding that this thing is ours, not mine. in any case, the projects are important to me and potentially very useful for many of us, and i hope i'm able to get them off the ground.

i've decided to be more proactive - i'm such a dreamer. but i've lately been confronted with circumstances that make me passionate enough to get a move on. they say necessity is the mother of invention. but that saying doesn't say anything about people taking responsibility for the inventing. i need to stop being so comfortable with having other people take the lead, or waiting for other people to get things started, or settling into the easy role of following someone else's directions. i have the ability to inspire people - that's a gift i should learn how to use. i have the ability to organize and think ahead and plan - i need to exercise that ability. i want to give more to this community that i've already taken so much from.