Wednesday, June 07, 2006


you know that "scrrrrddddd" sound people make when describing a car's abrupt braking or change of direction?

this past month, i pulled a scrrrrddddd.

a major scrrrdddddd.

and this is one of those times when i am immeasurably thankful for two of my most indelible qualities: my faith and my lunacy.

i realized that i hated my career trajectory. i didn't want to do what i'd gone to school for. i didn't like the process of my education, but i'd stuck it out because i'd never quit anything major before in my life, and i wasn't about to start quitting in the middle of a degree program. so i finished... and then i was talking all this jazz about how i was gonna use my degree for this and that and whatever. i even went through the trouble of finding work in my field. hating it every. step. of. the. way.

in my foolishness, i figured that it was simply the transition from academia to the working world that had me hating my daily work. then i figured that it was just my dues-paying period, and that things would get better with time and that i would adjust. and in the midst of all my figuring and all my waiting, it occurred to me that maybe i just was doing the wrong thing with my time. of course, i dismissed it. i like to keep my optimism in a reasonable perspective, given real cold hard facts and prevailing societal wisdom. you know, stuff like, quitting your job isn't smart, and bills need to be paid, and you don't want your resume to suffer, and you shouldn't burn bridges, and let's not forget those student loans...

apparently, this "thing" i have for honesty got the better of me. my dissatisfaction with my work and my workplace began to alter my general mood even after hours. i began to resent the plans that i'd been referring to as my "dreams." i started making arrangements for the scrrrrddddd that was becoming more and more inevitable...

and then my scrrrrddddd happened. then came the questions from those few folks who became privy to my business. the main one was, "well, if you're not going to do that, what are you going to do?" i'll give y'all three guesses...

let it suffice to say that you can expect me to spend even more time writing - maybe or maybe not on this blog, but most certainly creatively and passionately and with an eye toward success in my craft. (that felt good, saying "my craft"...)

anyway, no questions or comments on the specifics of my scrrrrddddd in my public comments, please. if you know me personally, you are more than welcome to call me and we can chat. i'm baring this part of my personal journey in order to share my personal knowledge that all of that hippie foolishness about following your dreams has merit - if for no other reason than i know that i am happier now than i've been in years. YEARS! and i know that no matter the outcome of my new trajectory, i will enjoy the journey of getting there waaaaayyyyyy more than what i just got myself untangled from - the prescribed dream, the programmed plan... i realize that i am taking a chance. but i also realize that if i don't, i will always wonder about what would have happened if i'd just been a little more brave. i only have this one life. this one youth. and i can't wait for my life to start later, after i've adjusted to living numb for years waiting for a breakthrough or a loss of consciousness, whichever would mercifully happen first. i have to feel the blood pulsing through my veins NOW. i have to be inspired to live my life now. i can't satiate my needs with promises of "later, later, later." i am convinced that this is real living in all of its pulpy, juicy goodness.

and i'm satisfied now with who i am and where i am going.
thank God.