Wednesday, June 14, 2006

too close for comfort

i don't know what it is about my place but the critters seem to like it. there is a spider whose home i can see from my desk. she's been there for maybe about a week or so. whenever i go to check her out, she is hanging upside down in her web, waiting for food, i guess. it's so funny to me that spiders' methods of hunting are real chill and laid back: "i'ma just spin this web, mm hmm, and eventually some food will get stuck in it, and i'll just wait until then. screw all that stalking and chasing mess. what i look like? a cheetah? humph. i didn't think so!" i keep meaning to catch her and send her outside, but i keep forgetting, and besides, she's not bothering me that much. my general policy is that if you weren't invited, and you don't pay rent, you are not allowed to live in my house. that means that critters either have to move out or have their carcasses flushed down my toilet, depending on whether or not they allow themselves to be caught and deported. fast critters usually get the latter, 'cause they won't stay still long enough to get caught.

but i can think of one exception to that. one night, recently, a bird flew into the house after me. i didn't notice when he came in. it was late, and i dumped some stuff in the kitchen and headed to the bedroom to get ready to sleep. i went to the bedroom, turned on the light, and i heard him before i saw him - there he was, lost and confused, flying around my bedroom like somebody had done him wrong. i beg to differ - didn't nobody invite him into my house! and unlike miss spider, dude had to go before i would be able to sleep peacefully. so i didn't freak out, since he was doing enough freaking out for the both of us. fortunately or unfortunately, i'm somewhat practiced in this situation. a man i used to work for had a fireplace in his office, and curious (and stupid) birds would come down his chimney and not be able to find their way out overnight. we'd find them in the room, freaking out, the next day, and through closing a series of doors and getting suggestive with brooms, eventually we'd get them to fly out the door. i got lucky with this one - he found his own way out without too much struggle after i got my broom. but don't you know i woke up the next day and started discovering the white chalky evidence of his nervousness? little punk. he got my television, my mirror, the red fabric box i keep my meditation balls in, and worst of all, one of my stevie wonder cd's.

see that? this is why i don't allow critters in my house - they don't know how to respect nothing. i have never relieved myself in a bird's nest. never. i wouldn't even wish that on a bird. i mean, my car is fair game - but not the personal effects in my house - that's just not fair. stupid bird.

now that i think about it, i don't think i've ever seen that spider move. either she's asleep everytime i look at her, or she wasn't able to get any food and she's no longer with us. seems like to me she woulda spun a web somewhere that was bound to be more successful if she realized she was getting too hungry to stay there and keep waiting with no guarantees... oh, what do i know? i think i'm going to send her outside, just on g.p., just in case she is alive and decides to do something to piss me off.

shoot, i live alone for a reason. i don't want no roommates. what we look like? bert and ernie? humph. i didn't think so.