i don't do magic

my favorite cousin, who is like a brother to me, reenacted his overseas wedding for the family over the weekend. it was a pleasure to meet his wife. they are obviously falling all over each other with happiness and love and i wish them the best. but my gosh, they are soooo young! can it be that my parents were two years younger than them when they got married? can it be that my cousin and his wife are two years younger than me? i can't imagine having gotten married at the age my parents were... and i thank God i didn't get married (i almost did) at the same age my cousin and his wife have. i mean, to each his own, but i can't picture myself married.

which is really funny, because like i said, i almost did it a couple of years ago, and if it wasn't for my ex-fiancee, i would probably be married now. but still, i can't picture it.

which is really funny, because it seems everybody else in my life can picture it. in fact, my cousin encouraged me to catch the bouquet at the wedding. riiiight. like i'm gonna throw some bows with my loved ones over some plastic flowers that are somehow supposed to magically bring me to the other side of the broom. riiiight. i don't do magic.

an elder in my family expressed concern about me driving my rental car alone from new jersey to the wedding in virginia and back. he said he would pray for me that God sends a mate to care for me and protect me. wow. but he sounds just like my beloved father, who always asks, "who you coming with," when i tell him i'm driving home. i don't know what it is about the idea of me driving alone for 4 and 1/2 hours that gets them so worried about when i'm gonna get married, but apparently this is a worrisome thought. (which is why i have a cell phone.)

then the other thing about weddings is every one is looking at me like, "you next, ain'tcha?" and i'm looking at them like, do you see a fiancee on my arm? did i bring a date to this wedding? do i ever? i can't be the next one to get married without having someone to marry folks, i mean really. i take it all in stride, knowing everyone thinks i should be married because i'm cute enough and smart enough and nice enough and about that age. i know they are wishing me well, and i appreciate folks wanting me to be paired up and happy. i won't front like i don't want to be paired up and happy. what's really funny is that people act like i don't know i'm single. and like i can't be happy unless i get married. trust me, there are fifty million things that remind me daily that i am single. and over this quarter-century, i have learned and am still learning how to just be happy with or without him. i figure that the best way for him to find me is to get out of my apartment sometimes by doing stuff i like to do. and if he doesn't find me, at least i'm getting out and doing stuff i like to do, which is more than i can say for a bunch of married people...

that sounds like a plan - that sounds better than magic. which is exactly why i hung back while all those nuts tore up the bouquet trying to catch it. i ain't taking no black eye for some magic.