Thursday, August 25, 2005


i didn't realize how important one of my goals was to me until i had to defer it in favor of something a little more practical and less inspiring. i am one of those people who has an innate need to believe in something. i am imaginative, a dreamer whose head is often in the clouds. i may speak realism a lot, but on the sneak tip, i think like an optimist. i've always been this way. God made me like this because He knew if i didn't purposely dream, i'd probably never use the gifts He's given me to ever get from point a to point be.

anyway, i never realized how important the goal was to me because maybe i was taking the goal for granted. there's nothing i've wanted to do in life that i didn't just do. i am spoiled in that way. i swallow fears, gather resources, hustle, pray, whatever i gotta do, and i make things happen for myself. but this particular dream... let's just say you can't roll off the side of your bed one morning and fall into it. and it's not like i've never had to work for a dream. it took several years to get my education, and i had to work to get it. maybe that's why i was on this instant gratification kick for this particular dream - i wanted what i wanted. now. with the quickness. i was making moves, you know? hustling, etc...

and then i realized that i had to wait. simple as that. so i had a temper tantrum and pulled back. at one point, my dream was why i actually didn't mind going to work each morning (which is huge cause i am NOT a morning person). it was the toy i pulled out to play with when i got bored or frustrated or shoot, if i just wanted something to think about. but after i realized i had to wait even though i thought i deserved it (now!), i stopped thinking about it. begrudgingly at first. but over time, i was willing myself to not think about the dream, knowing i'd just get mad about not having what i wanted. little details in my life started to suffer. here and there, things i'd pay otherwise pay better attention to started to fall off from lack of care, at home, at work, in relationships... i was in a funk.

i don't know what made me realize that the funk was a direct result of me shoving my dream into the back of a junk drawer somewhere. all i know is that i am not allowed to do that anymore. "later" doesn't mean "never." "can't have it now" doesn't mean "can't dream and prepare for it now." i am rebuilding the dream, hyping myself up again. and this time, i won't neglect it. i realize now that i needed it to energize me like a plant needs sunlight. i need the joy of anticipation in my life. i must reach, i must grow, i must aspire.