so much for gratitude

oh, but watch this though:

i'm feeling good, you know, the sun is shining, and i'm carrying my light jacket 'cause i don't need it like i did this morning. and i've been contemplating getting a new purse, since the one i've been lugging around was originally bought to be big enough for carrying shoes, so it has a lot in it, so it's heavy, so the strap is coming off, so i don't want to carry it anymore, so i figure: debt be damned, i'll go to the store and find myself a non-designer purse that's smaller and newer and cuter. i can get a cheap one in a neutral color that'll fit my wallet and change purse and i won't have to choose between carrying stuff in my raggedy old bag that i'm sick of, or carrying stuff in this teeny weeny bag that's so small that i have to carry half my stuff in my pockets anyway.

so i went shopping immediately after work. even though i knew a new purse wasn't in my budget. and that if i bought it, it would squeeze something else important, like my allowance (which theoretically is the buffer that keeps me from overspending), or my groceries, or the amount of money i've budgeted to accelerate debt repayment. but i went shopping anyway, and lost my dayum mind.

first, let me say that i am not a label whore. any designer clothing i happen to own happened by accident or fortuitous circumstance, which might explain why i own exactly three articles of famous maker label clothing, and no more. let me also add that i am not good at consistency with makeup, accessories, hair - any of it. on any given day, i'm rushing out the door, last minute, hair snatched back with oil and water, no makeup, no perfume, same sensible black shoes, and maybe the earrings i forgot to take off the night before. i am no fashion plate. i do have a fashion sense, and i like to look cute, but i just don't invest much time or money in the effort - i hate getting up early, and always find more important things to spend money on instead of clothes/shoes/jewelry, etc. it's a shame, too - 'cause i clean up nice. but to my chagrin, most days i walk out the door, i'm dissatisfied with my appearance. i promise myself over and over that i'll get it together, 'cause i see how it affects my confidence and my bearing when i know i look good, and i wish i had it every day. but that promise keeps on getting postponed.

i'm tired of that.

i wanted a CUTE purse. and in fact, a nicer spring jacket for the morning commute. maybe some pretty skirts. sundresses. sunglasses.

i set out this afternoon in search of, at the very least, one thing towards that end - one thing that could make me feel like i'd put in some effort towards what i want. i looked in the discount store, then in the juniors store, then in the not-so-junior n.y&co (which i still call lerner's), then in another discount store... it was so depressing. i couldn't find any sunglasses that were small enough to look right on my face. i couldn't find any cute spring jackets - on sale or regular price. all the skirts were stupid. everything cute was so far out of my budget (never mind that i've exhausted my allowance until my next payday so ANYTHING would have been too far out of my budget)... AARRGGHHHH!

in frustration, i went home empty handed. nothing in my hands, but no hole in my budget. glass half full and half empty. needless to say, i did NOT feel like singing. why does it seem like money would be the solution? for as long as i remember, without even trying, i always pick the most expensive stuff off the rack. but instead of dressing with this filet mignon taste in fabrics and tailoring, i've been using the bologna discount stores by necessity since college. i am so so very sick of wading through rows of clothes i, and apparently many others, hate, looking for a bargain that is just inoffensive enough to my sense of style that i can tolerate wearing it. sick and tired. TIRED. i am so so very sick of worrying about keeping my stupid budget intact so i can one day have some little piece of house for myself and i can stop paying for walls i can't paint or tear down or build up at will or be able to do laundry without bothering relatives or gathering quarters.

i put up the brave face about not wasting money on clothes i paid too much for. i sound like i'm trying to convince others as much as myself when i say i'm happy with how i haven't gotten into any new credit card debt since finishing school. i try not to solicit sympathy for the way i look by saying i'm proud that i do my own hair, nails, facials, pedicures and by not calling attention to the way that i dress. but on the real, i'm sick of not caring - or pretending not to, or forcing myself not to - i suppose it's six of one, a half-dozen of the other.

i probly shoulda just went straight home from work like i started to.

i'll feel better tomorrow.