Barnes and Noble, what's up?

I left this message on Barnes and Noble's website tonight because I went book shopping. I was looking for something by Toni Cade Bambara, Paule Marshall, or Alice Walker. I went all through the fiction section, but I couldn't find any books by these authors. I was directed to the African-American section - I didn't know where it was because I don't shop for books very often, but there it was, stretched out along a wall near the entrance. I walked over to the section and I felt very uncomfortable. All I saw were half naked people, guns, seductive mouths licking on candy... I didn't want to be anywhere near that trash - I don't read that crap. I don't want to read that crap. Call me bourgeois - whatever, I don't care - I didn't want to even look like I was looking for books like that. And from what I could tell during the thirty or so seconds I stood there, those kinds of books vastly outnumbered the kind of black fiction I was looking for. I just walked away. I asked a salesperson if there was a suggestion box, and she said there wasn't one, so I told her my issue. Since I don't know if she'll have the ability to relay my message to what she called, "corporate," I decided to find them on the web and type the following message, using the customer service feature of their website.

"In the same way that romance books and science fiction books are shelved differently from general fiction and literature, African-American urban/sexual books should be shelved differently from general African-American fiction and literature. It is embarrassing and somewhat demeaning to have to look for prize-winning literature among this relatively new and tawdry genre of urban/sexual fiction. I declined to even look through the 'African-American fiction' section for the literature that I could not find in the general 'Fiction and Literature' section, because standing in front of those books is as embarrassing as I imagine renting pornographic films would be. Your company lost my business because of this issue, and will continue to do so.

I can be reached at this email address and would love to help if your business is interested in addressing this issue with customer input.

Thanks for listening,
glory [actually insert government name here],
Philadelphia, PA"

I figure that if you're going to separate the black authored books from the other ones so that their readers can find the books easier, I think that burying general black fiction/literature books among less literary, more romance-caliber books makes no sense. I don't think they'll actually adequately respond, but I figured it's worth a shot. I only wish I had a vast readership who agreed with me and would be willing to do the same...

i need a break

i'm frustrated
angry
worn out
behind
divide them and conquer them
drop a noose on their desk when no one's looking
blue by day white by night
some of my best friends are
bla- i mean african americans
and i just love dave chappelle
and mos def
it's poverty, the economy, stupid
not color
it's not racism
that was centuries ago
it wasn't even me or my parents (you can't prove it)
shoot we were immigrants
escaping our own oppression
at least you have welfare
affirmative action
let me tell you something
about the potato famine
gas ovens
'cause jim crow wasn't shit
and besides it was two or three
generations ago
the race is on even ground
the race card is played
you played it
but it's not real
your blues ain't real
matter fact
your blues ain't yours no more
or your rock n' roll
and hip hop
that's everybody's
'cause certainly it wasn't birthed
from the pains of black labor
through fields
running from whips and sheets
through chain gangs
through nooses
through sit-ins
through burning churches
through the welfare office
through the shotgun shack
to rowhouses and projects
cracked out corners
raggedy schools
crumbling molded jails
certainly it's just sad songs
some cool songs
some black magic we can dig
'cause for real, your sense of this
experience
this supposed oppression
surely you just want to be special
we're just waiting
while you keep killing each other
and fighting amongst yourselves
for you to realize
you are not special
and your special treatment needs to end

peace

aight family. i've been to church, literally and figuratively. i looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful black girl, clear skin, bright eyes - how bout that? i've been sleeping better. working less. talking to God more. enjoying the weather more - walking, window shopping, reading in the park... taking advantage of all that philly in the spring has to offer me. and i'm feeling good, baby. you know what my problem was?

i'd been neglecting myself. you'd think by now, with all the life i've been living, i'd know better.

self-denial, self-deprivation... that ain't sexy. it's just not.

gotta remember that. gotta find a church home, too. i've been missing it for a while - it's time. my spirit is crying out.

on november

I really do think that if things continue at this clip that John McCain will handily win the November election.

Just because people support Obama doesn't mean they're blind or stupid or something is wrong with them.

Just because people support Clinton doesn't mean they are sell outs or Uncle Toms.

I personally think that reasonable minds can differ on this. And what troubles me is that so many people are so venomous and petty that there may be no hope of getting the White House back from the Republicans, because half of the Democrats will be so busy bitching that they will lose sight of the ultimate goal.

It is absolutely disappointing to see how people are regarding each other as these two candidates go at it. A spiraling pit of stankness, leading to Democratic defeat in November. All McCain has to do is sit back and watch as half the Democrats either refuse to vote or vote for him, and laugh his ass off. A sad sorry shame.

on bitterness

This is really all I want. A little balance, if you please.

the goings on

I started this post already and erased what I wrote. I'm trying to stay cool. I'm temping... it's going okay but I'll be unemployed again soon enough. I hate networking and business card peddling. I hate smiling at strangers and pretending to be interested in anything other than whether or not they know where I can get a damn job. I want some stability. My dad and I were talking about his hopes and dreams and fears for me. He's proud but a little concerned about my career. This is a man who doesn't have 30 years in with a company - there is no retirement windfall, no gold watch waiting for him. He wants me to get into a secure situation before I get to be his age. It's hard to explain to him that it doesn't work like that for my generation. But anyway, I'm not for all the azz-kissing and status symbols, hundred dollar blouses, and seventy hour workweeks. Um, no. I'll find something for me. Somehow. My back hurts. I'm working in a chair for over 10 hours everyday. Sometimes it seizes up. And there's this pain round about my left hip. Doctor's office said take two of these as needed and call in a couple more months if it's still bothering you. Okaaaay. My skin is breaking out. Vision all blurry - I'm actually preferring my glasses to my contact lenses now. I'm hoping this vision thing is temporary. I don't need to take another job where I'm doing this same self-destructive stuff, running my body into the ground. But. F%@$ it, I got bills. I'm saving for a house. Understand, I'm on a mission.

I don't have time to blog everyday. I don't have time to write poems, compile a chapbook, record a cd, go to the poetry venues, join a gym, shop for cheap power suits, send out resumes, rub elbows with the strangers, help my cousin write this letter she wants to write, flat iron my hair, do my laundry, clean my bathroom, cook a decent dinner...

I know I'm blessed. I know that complaining is wack. I don't care tonight, though.

I mean really. If it's like this when I'm childless, renting, and cohabiting, should I even be bucking to give birth, have a mortgage, and be a wife (not in that order)? I've been asking myself this a lot over the last little while. No point in indelibly joining my life to others' lives until I've found some balance in my own.

The good news is I saw Jill Scott in concert. It was an amazing show. The other good news is that I went to the open mic and read a new poem I was inspired to write yesterday. I went to church on Easter. My aunt who was ill is doing better. I'm taking a road trip later this month. My mommy quit smoking. I started volunteering more. I am still in love.

Part of me wants to go back to the time when I was playing hooky, letting my inner artist shine through instead of worrying about my outer warrior/hunter/gatherer. For a delightful couple of years I was able to float with it, you know? Go to the event? Yeah! Roll to the after event? Most def! Road trip? Hayle yeah! New CD? You better believe it. I miss that.

Responsibility is constraining. I feel constrained - that's what I think I've been getting at. And nobody is doing this to me, that's the thing. It's all my choice. I don't have to be (somewhat but not totally) ambitious. But that's my thing. I do enough to keep the thang rolling. I must hustle. It ain't optional. And it doesn't matter if I might be interested in something other than what I studied to do, 'cause the bill collectors, miscellaneous emergencies, future babies, and years of my future jobless old age don't give a #&@% what I would rather be doing with my time, period. Don't matter if the bed feels good when I wake up.

Friend of my honey's told me that I don't sound very happy. She told me I wasn't happy. When she said it, it was like I was hearing a news headline that was about somebody else. It didn't occur to me to ask myself whether or not I was happy. I think it's less about happiness and more about transition. I think my quarter-life crisis (if there is a such thing) is here. I think I've been in it for the last four years or so. And I don't think "crisis" is the right word, either. "Transition" is better. Longest transition I've ever had to go through. I suspect it doesn't end. Whatever.

I had to start telling myself to enjoy the ride back in high school. The thing was, life doesn't start when you meet a goal - it's the stuff that happens along the way to the goal. So I'm trying to enjoy being childless. Even though sometimes I think I'm so ready. And sometimes I think about my 28-year-old eggs. My 28-year-old womb. It's not time for me to be mom yet, and I know that on both an emotional and on a financial level. And my eggs are 28, not 48, but still...

Sometimes I just want to curl up into a little ball and sleep. It's late. I think I'll grab a snack and do just that.

according to my zune

I am officially jacking this from the Diva…

The rules: you select shuffle on your iPod or iTunes Zune and plug in the songs as the answers to the questions. No cheating!

Feel free to steal this for your blog.


If someone says, “Is this okay?” what do you say?
Not Enough, Little Brother (I wish I was more assertive like this - maybe this is a hint.)

How would you describe yourself?
Realove, Musiq (Isn't that cute?)

What do you like in a guy or girl?
I Cried For You, Billie Holiday (I love that my Godsend is open with me, I love that about him!)

How do you feel today?
Astronomy (8th Light), Blackstar (Interesting... head in the clouds a little bit...)

What is your life’s purpose?
Slide, Jill Scott featuring Jeff Bradshaw (I am really feeling this, especially after my last post.)

What is your motto?
Don't Waste Your Time, SWV (I have not yet kicked my procrastination habit, but I am learning to enjoy myself more instead of wasting time worrying or acting out of fear.)

What do your friends think about you?
You'll Never Get to Heaven (If You Break My Heart), Dionne Warwick (Umm... I can be kinda blunt, but I certainly hope they don't want me to go to hades for it...)

What do your parents think of you?
The Real Thing, Jill Scott (Now that's the truth, Ruth. In stereo, baby.)


What do you think about very often?
Dontchange, Musiq (When I think of my Godsend this is how I feel. When I think of my own youthful spirit, this is how I feel.)

What is 2 + 2?
I'm Still In Love With You, Al Green (I'm getting a chemistry vibe from this one...)

What do you think of your ex?
Wish I Didn't Miss You, Angie Stone (Ewww. I don't miss him. I wish I never had missed him.)

What do you think of the person you like?
It's Going Down, Brown Sugar Soundtrack (*Smile* No comment.)


What is your life story?
Where Is The Love [From Oliver], Will Downing (I suppose that this is the substance of what I chase every day.)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Nights Over Egypt, Incognito (This is so true! "She was the queen, under the moonlight...")

What do you think when you see the person you like?
Going to a Go-Go, Smokey Robinson ("Nah-nah nah-nah yeah-hay... don't you wanna go-" Most definitely! LOL!)

What will they play at your funeral?
Roots (Back to a Way of Life), Incognito (I sure do wanna be that earthy mama 'fore I di-i-i-i-ie...)

What is your hobby/interest?
Turn It Up, Kindred the Family Soul (Wrong - I am not the party starter... I'm more like the one who blends in trying to have fun without being seen.)

What is your biggest fear?
Superlady, New Edition (Interesting. Scared of being Superlady? Inability to be her?)

What is your biggest secret?
Intro, Bugz in the Attic (Awww, come on, I should've been allowed a do-over.)

What do you think of your friends?
Games People Play, Dionne Warwick (Ouch! I only think that of my associates, not my friends.)

Wow - it was like a magic eight ball: on point sometimes, way off on others. Total fun!

got a map?

i still don't know what i want to be when i grow up. which is a little disturbing, 'cause i know that i am grown already. the disturbing thing isn't that i don't know what i want to do with myself, 'cause it's been my opinion for many years, that you can't expect an inexperienced young person to know what experiences they'd like to have. if they know, great. if they don't know, at some point, they'll know from experience, which is better than making an arbitrary decision that they'll stick with for the sake of being seen as responsible, or successful, or whatever. the disturbing thing is the possibility that once i figure out what i want to do with myself, i might have a hard time pursuing that path because of other stuff that i've already done. for example, it's too late for me to become a tennis champ now, at the ripe age of damn-am-i-that-close-to-30? or here's another: it's too inconvenient (read: expensive) for me to go to school to become an engineer now that i've gotten into my current amount of debt to do what i'm doing now. i guess it's good that i don't want to be either one of those things. but i do worry about how motherhood and my career may keep me from trying new things. even now, i know that they can. i had to put poetry on the side for my career about a year ago, and it ain't been the same since. might as well face it - it won't be the same. i don't know when or if i'll finish my book, do any freelancing, use my passport to go to the motherland... i hope so. i intend to. i just don't know, you know? i'm a pisces - watery, mutable, noncommittal - we're just like that. i realize now that throughout my adulthood, once weaned from the guidance of my parents, i've gone where the wind has taken me, kind of like the feather in that movie about the man who did all these extraordinary things just by kind of falling into them. it's been a wonderful life. it is still a wonderful and charmed life. i just don't know where it's going. i'm not even sure what i want from it. the question has confronted me often over the last few months - how can you have an action plan to achieve something when you don't have a goal in mind?

today's thoughts on the candidates

Now that we've got two states' contests under our country's belt, and I've officially gone on record saying that I have not made up my mind yet, I figured I'd disclose where my head is at so far on this. This is a comment I left over at The Breaking Point.

the problem for me is that even though i understand that many folks can't help it, it seems that for other folks this is really way too much about the "female" thing and the "black" thing. honestly, i wanted obama to win last night [in NH, where he came in second to hillary], but with the hopes that hillary would remain a formidable candidate in the race so that i'd still have some time to check them both out - i want a real race, something that should show us what both are like when tested, and i didn't want obama to just walk away with this so he could have the chance to get lazy with it. i got half of what i wanted. two notes on this: i DON'T appreciate at all how the media has been calling him cocky since his iowa win, and i think that will unfairly taint folks' perception of him, especially since he is black, and to me that smacks of jim crow era "uppity" descriptions. also, i am glad obama won in iowa, otherwise hillary would be cakewalking this thing, which would keep folks from seriously considering obama, which was what she wanted going into this and i'm glad she didn't get it so easy.

i won't lie, i'm excited about a strong black candidate, much more than i am excited about a strong female candidate. but i'm not so nuts that i'm going to pick by choosing between those characteristics. unfortunately, looking at the policy points alone, their pros and cons come about even for me based on what i've found. it's going to come down to who i trust to do the job based on how they carry themselves during the race.

so far, hillary's not looking good to me with the almost-crying to get old lady votes and the claiming people double team her 'cause she's the girl (duh, it's because she was the frontrunner/biggest threat to the frontrunner, not 'cause she was a girl). i don't like that at all. (but i do think the media handled her crying thing differently than they would have if a man got quiet and had a catch in his voice). to balance this, my caveat about obama is concern for whether he can backup what he says - but then, i'm also concerned about whether hillary can do the same - for example, i think his health care plan is more doable than hers. but i wonder if her couple more years of senate experience will help her more in washington?

hey, i still need time. but please notice that i'm not thinking, do i want to go with my gender or my race? do i want to pick the more "electable" candidate? (i think they're both electable.) for me, it comes down to who i think can do the damn thing, and being both black and female, i know i can't judge competency or probability of success by either characteristic - it's too simple an analysis.

Blacks and the Democratic Hopefuls

Please take a moment to peep the commentary from two black women. I enjoy both of their blogs, and I respect both of their opinions.

The Content Black Woman's Take at Why Black Women are Angry

Sugar's Take at Sugar and Spice

Please do take a look at the comments as well! These women, both intelligent, are sitting on opposite ends of a bench. I'd love to see what could come of a conversation between them! In any case, I think that diverging commentary like this helps to really show how reasonable minds can disagree about these primaries and the candidates. I hope you enjoy their opinions.

move on it

I gave some advice the other day that I've been forced to consider for myself and I thought I'd share it.

You can't defeat your own question by asking and denying it in your own mind instead of opening your mouth and actually asking the question. No person can limit your possibilities more than you can by not trying for them.

At some point, a desire has to bring you to a point of movement - the act of actually trying.

Readiness

I was at a holiday party a few weeks ago, and there I met a man who told me that he was helping with the Barack Obama campaign. He asked me what I thought about Obama, and I told him that I wasn't sure who I wanted to be president, but I hoped that Obama really had a chance. He asked what made me worried about Obama's chances. I'd heard about how Hillary Clinton was supported by many Black women, and I suspected that a WHITE woman would get more play than a BLACK man. He said that that was fair, but what about Obama's then-current standing in the Iowa polls? He assured me that Obama was a contender.

My new friend asked me: If Obama could get the votes and be a real contender, would that change my feelings about him as a candidate?

Most definitely.

Now I have to get more serious about this thing - really look at the candidates' positions. Tuning into debates gives you sound bites only. I've got to know what these candidates claim they're really about. And in all honesty, I hope that when my digging is over, I come out on Obama's side.

Because I am so proud of what happened in Iowa yesterday. So proud to see a 94% white state come out at almost 40% for a candidate who happened to be a black man. So proud to see a man who is like the many black men I know exist - intelligent, ambitious, positive - standing on a podium kissing his wife and daughters in the eye of the nation, and the world. So proud to know what an important moment it was for America, and that I was witnessing it!

Congratulations to the Senator.

I understand that many primaries lie ahead, that Clinton and Edwards each have their own shots at the nomination, and that many Americans still might not be ready... but I can't help but wonder, what if? What if more people are ready than those who aren't?

Eyes on the Prize came on late last night. (I've got to remember to buy that series.) Watching the stories of James Meredith and the black citizens of Birmingham, and the NAACP legal team... It helped to put the importance of last night into perspective for me. Sometimes change came when folks weren't ready. What if this time, people are ready for change?

Never forget.

My local news is asking its viewers whether or not the state of New Jersey should formally apologize for slavery. Most of the viewers who are responding are saying that New Jersey should not apologize. They believe that the effects of slavery are long gone, and that at some point, people should have stopped dwelling on it. Others believe that such an apology would do little for anyone living today. The news station itself is also asking the viewers: if an apology was extended, who would apologize, and who should receive the apology?

My theory is that the viewers who believe that it is too late to even think about slavery are not as concerned about the fair placement of blame as they are annoyed by the possibility that black Americans will use such an apology to continue to talk about past wrongs, using slavery as an excuse for the problems in the current state of Black America. I personally think that many people are simply tired of thinking about slavery. White folks are tired of being blamed for something that happened before anyone who is currently living was born.

My thing is, White folks don't seem to be tired of reaping the benefits of African servitude, so why should they get to be tired of hearing about the institution that made these benefits possible?

If an apology were extended, it should be extended by the government of New Jersey, not by individual white people. It should be extended to the descendants of people who were enslaved in the state of New Jersey while the government continued to permit the ownership of human beings as property, and continued to permit forced free labor which contributed to the economy and infrastructure which continue to benefit all New Jerseyans today. The point would be to acknowledge that a wrong was done, not to provide anyone with blame for something that their ancestors may not have even done, or to provide others with the right to condemn anyone else.

To what end should this be done? How would this benefit anyone, really? It is a matter of principle. It is about a government accepting responsibility for allowing human rights violations to occur under its watch. This is rather simple, but tremendously meaningful.

This is why - and this is something that some of the white detractors may not have an appreciation for: the more acquainted I am becoming with the lives of my ancestors, the more meaningful my ancestors' lives become to my own life. White people have the opportunity to go to places like Ellis Island, and ancestry websites, to find out what's in their family tree. The fortunate can go back centuries, through American history, across borders, across the Atlantic and even home to an "old country." People do this because of curiosity and because of ancestral and ethnic pride. In search of the same, many black Americans like myself, if they're fortunate, can go back only so far before they hit roadblocks in the nineteenth century - that dark period in American history where Negroes were property and listed not with the citizens, but with the chattel in the Census. Alex Haley's experience was a singularly lucky one. I don't expect to hear the origin of my bloodline from a griot in my own "old country." Frankly, I don't expect to find out which "old country" is my own.

Consequently, so far as my family may ever know, "my own" is Maryland, Delaware, Virginia, and North Carolina. So far as we may ever know, this is the only history - the only legacy available to our family tree. Slavery. The direct predecessor of Jim Crow, illiteracy, and back-breaking work in a racially inequitable society full of redlining, intimidation, and animosity. Additionally, I attribute the fact that it took over a century to produce college graduates in my family to slavery and its aftermath. If I were personally offered an apology from the governments of Maryland, Delaware, Virginia, and North Carolina, that would be extremely meaningful for me, even if it did all happen before my birth. Because contrary to detractors' beliefs, it matters. It couldn't free my enslaved ancestors before their deaths, it couldn't keep Jim Crow from retarding their children's educational and financial progress, but it still matters to me, right now, in 21st century America. Along with equal opportunity policies, acknowledgments like these are bricks in the road to recovery for race relations in this country.

We cannot forget the past. We cannot shrug off its present meaning. It's not because we want to guilt anyone, but it's because of honor for our ancestors that the history of slavery will remain alive. We cannot remember the fighting against slavery to taxes by teaching about and commemorating the Boston Tea Party, but on the other hand, forget about the Virginia Iron Manacles because it makes some whites uncomfortable.

The fact that the slaves and slaveholders are dead doesn't make the apology moot - it just makes it overdue. Today's governments were in existence at the time of slavery, and they are a suitable apologist. If New Jersey decided to extend an apology, I would approve of the gesture.

Saturnalia

I see Christmas as two holidays:

The celebration of the birth of the Child is one holiday.

The feasting, gift giving, and decorating are another secular (pagan) holiday (of which I know the ancient pagan influence), not unlike Thanksgiving or Valentine's Day.

Every year I reflect on that. I celebrate both Christmases, but it's not my favorite time of year, and every year, I'm glad when it's over. But I do enjoy giving gifts to others, and I enjoy being with family, 'cause let's face it, most families only get together nowadays for holidays, when they have days off from work, and funerals. I've decided that for me, secular Christmas is about nostalgia and family. I don't object to presents, because despite some of the entitlement to gifts people feel, you can get around it by choosing how much you want to participate in gift giving. If people have issues with that, shame on them. I don't give presents to other folks' kids at Christmas. In my eyes, it's up to the parents to spoil their children if they want. I don't want any part of that. When I give gifts, it's usually for birthdays, and it's often books.

I think that with my own children, I will make efforts to somehow separate the celebration of the Child from the pagan holiday, so that they will understand and attach importance to the difference. I would like for them to be knowledgeable about my faith. But I want them to participate in the other Christmas - the food and family part - because that means so much to me. Spoiling will NOT occur. Period. And I think that parents are to blame when their children are materialistic, because it's their job to guide their children so that American materialistic culture doesn't program their kids into a sense of entitlement. Once upon a time, kids received oranges and little cakes and clothes and stuff for Christmas. I'm not giving my kids that stuff, but if I'm going to give them nice presents, why does Christmas have to be "jackpot day?" There are 364 other days in the year. And why does it have to be for the most expensive stuff - stuff many people will be paying for until next August? I think it sends the wrong message to the kids.

Christmas is not the most holy and meaningful time of the year for Christians though - Easter is. I feel much of folks' frustration with secular trumping the sacred even stronger when Easter bunnies and Easter baskets and new clothes become the focus. It's a mix of the celebration of the spring equinox and the resurrection of Christ, and it's disgusting to me to see the focus get lost every year. I don't celebrate Spring at Easter time - to me, that time is about faith alone. I can celebrate spring all the other weeks - why should it be all on top of the most Holy time of the year for my faith?

"not religion and not politics"

I was clicking past some channels on tv when something caught my eye on FOX news. I don't like FOX news - I don't like their coverage, I don't like their staff, I don't watch their channel habitually. But I stopped briefly because they were talking about presidential candidates, and apparently there's some controversy about Mike Huckabee's Christmas commercial. In it, he talks about how tiring the political commercials must be, and then he says the most important thing to focus on right now is Christ. In the background, there was a Christmas tree next to what looked like some shelving.

FOX News' question was whether this was an appropriate message from a political candidate. There were two people on a split screen talking with the reporter behind the news desk. One man in particular, an atheist, was disgusted. He said that the shelving resulted in a "subliminal cross" behind Huckabee's head, and that Huckabee's use of religion was shameful pandering to Christians and was insulting to everyone else - Jews, Hindus, Muslims, etc.

Why is everyone so hung up on Mike Huckabee's religion? I can't say this enough:
RELIGION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A PERSON'S CAPABILITY TO EFFECTIVELY SERVE THE PUBLIC. Whether a candidate is Mormon, Baptist, Catholic, Sunni, Shiite, Hindu, "animist," agnostic, or atheist among others, my questions are still going to be the same. Are you smart? Are you experienced? Can you lead? Can you work towards the good of all citizens? What are your plans for the country?

If Mike Huckabee or any of the other candidates want to shout their religion from the rooftops, I'd encourage them to do so. I think that it's a good thing when a person is not ashamed of what they believe. I fear that the climate of religious intolerance in this country necessitates that people be brave about what they believe, lest we lose our right as citizens of this country to worship (or not) as we please. Also, publicly identifying with one religion does not mean that you necessarily have no respect for other religions. But I have one caveat: don't think your professed religion alone is going to sway my vote. I am a Christian, but I would vote for an atheist if that atheist had the character and qualifications to do the job and was a better candidate than the others. That doesn't make me a bad Christian. It makes me an honest Christian and a conscientious citizen.

You know what happens when people vote a candidate in based on religion? George W. Bush. A narrow minded, short sighted, egotistical, wannabe-cowboy whose character I refuse to attribute to his professed religion. I don't think all Christians are great candidates for president any more than I think all Muslims are terrorists - that would absolutely ridiculous and unreasonable. People have the opportunity and the ability to assess a candidate without making dumb assumptions based on one characteristic about that candidate.

My point is it shouldn't matter even IF Mike Huckabee was reaching out for the Christian vote. He has a right to campaign how he wants - to show whatever side of him he wants to show. It's our responsibility as voters to determine whether or not we want this to influence our decision next fall. Maybe I shouldn't assume that voters have the capability of making intelligent choices - Bush received more of the popular vote in 2004 than I thought he should have received, given the very expensive and deadly war, and I'm sure a percentage of that came from folks who just wanted to vote for the guy who was "more Christian" than the other guy. But part of being an American is recognizing and respecting that other people are capable of making decisions and choices for themselves. As much as I disagree with the people who voted for Bush last time, I respect their right to make that choice.

And I respect Mike Huckabee's right to talk about the religious meaning of Christmas in a campaign commercial. And even if I fear that people may do the stupid thing and choose someone based on one characteristic alone - Christian, female, black, hispanic, male WASP - I'm going to hold out hope that we've learned from our most recent mistake.

with time

i noticed the other day that i don't drive as fast as i used to. where i used to use my peripheral vision, now i look and look again (as my dad told me to do when he was teaching me how to drive.) i used to be so crazy with it. once, my mom, dad, and i were on our way from some random outing, and since i was able to drive, my dad suggested that i drive home. he wouldn't shut up, and it was so hard for me to concentrate on what i was doing, that i could hardly drive anyway, so i stopped right where i was. in the middle of the road. no hazard lights, no pulling over, nothing. i just stopped, and scared the isht out of my folks. i told my dad, "look, if you want me to get us home safe, you're going to have to stop all the talking. i can get us home, but not with all you're shooting at me from the passenger seat, i just can't." of course, he wanted to strangle me, or at least switch seats, but with cars whizzing by on both sides of the family car, that wasn't going to happen. after a dramatic pause, i put the car back in drive and got us home. i was crazy. it's his fault, he'd been driving like a maniac for as long as i can remember, and since i grew up used to maniacal driving, it was nothing for me to put the car in park in the middle of the road. during my college years, i drove some of everywhere in my own on-again/off-again hoopty, and driving a van for the school's security escort service (i LOVED that job). it was on the crazy streets of baltimore that i both came into the confidence a driver needs to have, and learned just how far i could push the rules of the road.

but, one hydroplane into the back of a moving truck, one doze on I-95 during rush hour, another doze on the DC beltway in bumper-to-bumper traffic, one broadside through a red light into a BMW, two speeding tickets, and one court-ordered driving class later, my maniacal days were over. somewhere in that time span, i stopped feeling that urge to rush to get where i was going. i stopped feeling invincible.

then i noticed that other people were speeding up to my bumper and zooming around my left side. i noticed that i felt more comfortable out of the fast lane. that two or three car lengths worth of buffer in front of me just made me feel better.

i'm not perfect. i still don't drive the speed limit in low traffic, low pedestrian areas. sometimes i still get distracted. sometimes i get sleepy while driving... but i'm more careful. i don't rush so much. i don't get road rage as often. if i need to, i'll pull over until i can get back on the road.

but this isn't really about my driving. it's about who i am becoming overall. the driving change is really just a part of an overall pattern in my life. it's interesting to be able to reflect - zoom out and witness my own maturation...

my pedigree

The oldest person on my paternal family tree as it stands so far was born in 1820 in Virginia. I have about 5 or 6 other people about 6 or 7 generations back that were born Negro in a slave state before emancipation.

Many of the people I've found were not able to read and write, down into the early twentieth century. Hardly any of them had any formal schooling, but some children started to read and write around the turn of the century. Many rented land and hired out as laborers, railroad section hands, factory workers, housewives, maids, and laundresses. They married, had several children, and went to church. Eventually, folks started to pick up small parcels of land in the same little patch of the country where it seems we've been for at least a couple centuries.

My grandmother was the first professional, a licensed practical nurse. My dad's sister was the first, at least in my branch, to earn a bachelor's degree. Yet I've heard stories of my father's upbringing - there were hard times. Schools were still segregated up until they started busing my dad and other kids in the late sixties, and subsequently closed the colored schools. Even then, men in my family were doing "odd jobs," like digging wells and fixing things.

I am the second in my family to earn a bachelor's degree, and the first to acquire an advanced degree. I have letters after my name. My little cousin is in college - she wants to get her MBA one day.

Needless to say, I am not part of the black bourgoisie. I am not derived from any of the Talented Tenth. I didn't debut for society. My parents and grandparents didn't go greek and shuttle me to homecoming games in early fall. There are no family jewels, no hope chests, no trust funds, no rich uncles. And I am overwhelmingly proud to be who I am. I am a child of former slaves, who lived and loved through poverty and Jim Crow, and took almost a century and a half to produce a middle class not obligated to hoeing and weeding, scrubbing, hauling, or digging to provide for our families. My inherited legacy is faith, perseverance, and a respect for education.

We've been blessed to make it this far. We are the strong. We are the purposed.

I am the future.

blue

is it the weather? the high cost of gas messing with my money? dissatisfaction with the wonderful blessing of a job i have, or guilt for feeling this way about the blessing that enables me to put food on my table? the fact that my dad got robbed yesterday? hormones? sundown before five o'clock? the stress of holiday travel?

i don't know, but the only bright spots in my life right now are my beloved and my genealogical research.

i need to start writing and doing poetry again, or something.

at first i thought it was that once-a-month thing that some women go through. i've been touchy, more impatient than usual. more apt to be bratty. less inspired, smiling less, less joyful in general. but this feeling has been getting me for the better part of an entire month, and it's not going away. i have seriously considered calling out sick from work EVERY WORK DAY i wake up since about a week and a half ago. i have to talk myself into going, even though i want to curl up in a ball and sleep until i just can't anymore. and if i had a lot of greasy, salty, fatty food in the house (which i don't for financial and nutritional reasons), it would probably be gone by now.

i keep thinking it will just go away like how it just came. not so, not yet.

every year since high school, this happens. it could be seasonal affective disorder. it could be depression. i don't know. but as long as i'm not suicidal or creating a danger to my important relationships, i'm not going to see a shrink. i'd rather pray and wait.

it's a good thing i'm not a drinker.

census

The first time I was in the Federal Census, I was an infant, just born a few months before it was taken. I suppose one of my parents filled out the form. We were the only three living in the house.

Ten years later, I learned all about the Census in school and was so excited to help with filling out the Census form. I was in elementary school in another state, and was just about to graduate and go to sixth grade.

The next time the Census caught up with me, I responded twice. Even though I sent a form, the Census taker came to my home because my form was lost or something. By that time, I was living on my own in college, an entire state away from my parents. My profession was listed as "student."

Next time, I won't be carrying my maiden name anymore, and I'll be listed with my husband and perhaps even a child or two, with an actual profession by my name.

What blows my mind is that one day after I'm probably buried, some curious person will probably look my record up with some technology I wouldn't even recognize, just to see who they might find. That is so crazy to me! But not as crazy as it may have seemed before last night, when I did the exact same thing.

I've been looking through the Census records to see who I might find, with a laptop computer these former slaves wouldn't even recognize. Thankfully for me, the Bermuda district of Chesterfield County, Virginia kept faithful and legible records, even of the Colored population. I used digital photos of records and obituaries my Grandma has, as well of notes I've taken of her own recollections, and I went hunting for my old folks in the Census. Last night I found out my great-grandmother was the first in her immediate family to read and write. I found out the names of ancestors who were likely born enslaved and were emancipated as young people. I come from farmers, laborers, and railroad men, and possibly, a mulatto shoemaker. My next step after getting census records is to visit the Library of Virginia and the Chesterfield County Courthouse to hunt for birth, marriage, and death certificates, and deeds (since my family has sold off, but still holds some land which I can identify). I may also look for Freedman's Bureau, military, and Indian records.

I've been wanting to do this for years, but I was inspired by finding a certified copy of my great-grandfather's birth certificate and his marriage license at my Grandma's. No time like the present. I hope to discover much more. This is just the maternal side of my dad's family. I haven't even really gotten into his dad's side, or my mom's family, yet.

All I know is that I'm glad that when the Census taker came in 1880 and 1910 and 1930 and the decades between, somebody was at home and willing to talk. It was so amazing to see those names I've known and repeated for years pop off the page.

word choice

This is why choosing your words is important.

This article says that 37% of polled black folks believe that the divide in values and experiences between black folks is so wide that you can't think about all black people as one race.

That's some of the dumbest isht I've heard.

That sentence would make a lot more sense if you substituted the word "class" for "race." Black folks have been trying to make the point for years now that we're neither a monolith of hand-to-mouth people in the projects nor carbon-copies of the affluent Huxtable family. The idea that black people have different life experiences and are varied in their class dynamics and values is not a new one.

There's a big difference between the behaviors of rich white folks and white folks who live in shacks, but we aren't trying to make another race for poor white people to belong to, are we?

If we tried to consider two different races for black people, how would we separate the groups if not by economic status? And if a person like myself grows up in an undesirable neighborhood and comes from a low economic background, would we switch that person's race once they have obtained a higher education and climbed the economic ladder, or would we simply say that they've ascended in economic class? That's what we do for people of all other ethnicities. Why should it be any different for black folks?

When discriminating, do you think racists stop before calling a black person a derogatory epithet to think about whether or not the person has values that align with middle class whites?

I attribute the stupidity, not to Juan Williams, not to the people who responded to the poll, but to the people at the Pew Research Center who conducted the poll with this particular phrasing: "Which of these statements comes closer to your view: Blacks today can no longer be thought of as a single race because the black community is so diverse, OR Blacks can still be thought of as a single race because they have so much in common." This question was put into a poll that asked folks a series of questions related to the socioeconomic status of black people, not about their racial/cultural identity. If it was racial/cultural identity that the study was trying to parse out, then the context was misleading, and so are the results of the study.