Thursday, April 27, 2006


i'm at work. i wanna go home. i was hungry so i walked to the coffee shop and got a slice of banana nut loaf. now it's all expanded in my stomach and i feel all vaklemphed up in my throat. i want some sweet tea but that's at home. water won't do. i want the work day to be over with 'cause i want to move on to the rest of my day. 'cause there are no windows in my office. and it's beautiful outside - there's just a hint of the summer's warmth to come out there, yet it's still brisk enough to need a jacket. oooooooh this weather keeps teasing me! i am procrastinating hard on every single thing in my life. sometimes you just need a break. i'm taking it. i know i'm wrong, but what are you supposed to do when you really. just. don't. care. i feel like running away from home and going somewhere with no television, no internet, no telephones. just a stereo, my cd's, and some toys - the watercolors and stencils my best friend gave me, a book that was lent to me that's got some really interesting philosophizing (is that even a word?) in it, my blank poetry book that i've been meaning to get some pen scratches in for months...

sometimes, when i get all piscean like this, i take a vacation in my house. it usually doesn't work, though, 'cause i lack the bravery or initiative to actually unplug the phone and the cable. then i get caught up in cleaning house or sorting laundry, and the next thing i know, i look up and it's time to go back to work. no pictures painted, no poems written, no cookies baked, no knowledge gained. just a spotless house and some well tended houseplants. then i trudge back to this windowless office, no worse, but no better.

y'all i'm bout to cut my phone off. i have this thing about the phone. me and my best friends will burn out some phone lines/satellite dishes/whathaveyou. and let's not talk about me and my mommy. we can get down, too. plus then there are others that call me, and when they catch me i'm all too eager to talk, 'cause most of the time, i've been so busy running that i it's been too long since i've spoken to them anyway. so then we have to catch up... you know how it is... *sigh* then i look up, and it's time to go to sleep so i can go back to work. there ain't enough time in an hour, a day, a week for just enjoying the passage of time. partially 'cause i don't have somebody keeping up with the ministerial details of my life. partially because i'm a daydreamer and my mind has a tendency to wander and then things get crammed into spaces of time that are too small (read: i procrastinate).

and did i mention that even though my birthday passed almost three months ago, i'm still not psychologically used to my new age? i have a serious mental block about it. as in, when people ask me how old i am, i tell them it's the nth anniversary of my twenty-fifth birthday? then they laugh. and i be dead serious. it's like time hates me. it's mocking me. i feel like there's so much more i could/would/should be doing to better manifest the beautiful journey of becoming myself. but i spend hours everyday at this job that doesn't feed my spirit. i spend hours every week just doing chores - bills, housecleaning, et cetera... and then the time i spend unwinding? it feels so non-productive! i have dreams for myself that i've barely been brave enough to whisper to myself in the stillness of my solitude. these dreams call to me and i pretend i don't hear, because i know how much time and effort and hope they will require, and frankly, i don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

as contrary as this is to everything that i espouse, it's more comforting sometimes to keep coming back to this windowless office, where i can't see what's going on in the world around me.

and the sands keep slipping. and every year the number will change. and writer's block keeps looming, while the inevitable yellowing of the pages of my marble composition notebook inches into the edges of my expectations, and i wonder why i allow fear to paralyze me so, when my mind knows better. when my faith tradition teaches me the fear is not of my Creator... there is life as i'm living it, and there's life as it is meant to be lived - life as i was born to experience it, and i really need a moment to get focused and get moving and claim the value that my friends and family see in me that i still have yet to realize and capitalize on and minister with...

it all sounds so intimidating and overwhelming. i do wonder if i'm capable.

*deep breath*