i was wrong

I've had a health problem lately, and when I tell people who are close to me what it is, the first question they all ask is, "Are you stressed?"

I always answer that I'm not, because I don't feel like I'm under any more pressure than I usually am. I'm not awake at night with worries. My hair isn't falling out. And I don't feel like running away from home, or dropping all my concerns altogether - a form of paralysis that has happened in the past when I really was stressed out.

But I think I'm wrong. Now that I think about it, I've got some running issues in my mind that I think about so much, I guess I'm too sleepy at night be kept up by worrying about them - I've been worrying myself about them under the surface all day. I've got some running tasks that I'm concerned about as well - a running volunteer project and a board position in a professional organization. I'm concerned about my job security and career direction (rather, the lack thereof) and how that's going to affect some of my financial goals. I'm concerned about spending quality time with my family - not being a stranger. I'm concerned about my relationship with my honey, because I know that when I'm stressed or frustrated, he's usually the first one to see it, and that's not a good thing, because no matter how much I try not to unload on him, I am a different person when I'm "trying to get stuff done." I'm less tolerant, easily frustrated, and perhaps worst of all, I have absolutely no patience. Those things don't work well in relationships, even with people who are patient with you because they love you. Oh yeah, and there's the ongoing mystery health problem, which is one of those things that's constantly nagging on my mind. I am also fighting this uphill battle to keep my home clean and cook on a regular basis. It's like Mission Impossible with all the activity going on. And I don't know if you remember, reader, but I think clearer and I'm a happier person when I am living in a clean and orderly house. That's just one more straw on the camel's back.

I guess when you put it that way, yeah, I am stressed. I was wrong. Lately, I have been really stressed, but I've been too distracted by all my concerns to notice. I've even had the nerve lately to think of other responsibilities to add to my list. Sheesh.

Here lately, I have not at all been the woman I was when I started this blog three years ago. That woman was so joyful. Even my best friend noticed, and said so. Between writing, reading poems, socializing at venues, going to see live music, learning how to date, cooking, enjoying my home, exploring new music, shoot, even playing hooky from work to paint pictures, my life was great. But I was also more irresponsible then. I had abandoned my career goals (and I think I'm paying for that, even now) because I hated my job, so I was just showing up and doing enough to get the money. I had no financial goals and I spent without diligence. I wasn't really doing any good for anybody else - I was pretty much indulging whatever made me happy. I had so much joy running over from my cup, I was spilling it onto this blog on a daily basis. I was a much more prolific writer. It all just came at a cost - honestly, I was stressed at that time, too, because I knew I was being irresponsible. Funny thing is now that my priorities are supposedly in order, I'm stressed, just in a different way.

Perhaps there's too much on my plate. But there really isn't anything I'm doing that I'm not obligated to do. Really. I've made promises I will not break, not just to others but also to myself. So what is one supposed to do when they have multiple obligations and priorities besides manage their time really well? (I'm working on the time management thing - it really does seem like there aren't enough hours in the day.) I'm just going to pray. And keep living.