weariness

lawd, i'm so tired of people sometimes. who do they think they are? seriously. i don't know if it's current trends in the culture - people getting paid to opine on things authoritatively (and loudly) on the news, blogs where people can beknight themselves experts, the general decline in civility in common interactions and discourse... maybe all of the above. but i'm so tired of the self-righteous. so very tired of the rude. so annoyed with the close minded. i can deal with and forgive the people who don't have (or use) creativity to think beyond what others have told them - ignorance and arrogance are not the same thing. but people who claim to know so much better than others, then fall victim to the same flaws as the rest - they really need to fall back. not because they make mistakes, but because they are wrong in trying to say that they are incapable of making mistakes. politics is arguable. religion is arguable. sometimes there are no absolute truths that anyone can lay claim to. certainly, support your point when you have one. stand up for your opinion. but don't elevate yourself in your own mind so much that you can't respect the people to whom you're speaking. i've been talked down to so much in the past week or so. it doesn't hurt my love for myself. it challenges me, sure. but more than anything, it disappoints me. because i catch more hell from my own people warring with each other than i get from "the other," and that's real talk. sometimes it feels like it's always a grind. always a trial. i know we can't be simple, 'cause being black in this country ain't no simple thing. and i know we won't always agree, and that's a good thing, 'cause i don't want us all to err together. but i believe a certain amount of respect for each other would go so very far. maybe if we weren't all trying to be right it would be better. the best, the most righteous, the most conscious, the hardest, the richest, the smartest, the realest... when did this become a competition? where is the humility? where is the concern?

assimilation

hey there, family!

first, thanks for checking in and reading even though i haven't been posting everyday like i used to. it means a lot to me every time someone leaves a comment or puts a hit on my page. it lets me know i'm not talking to myself.

second, in light of my confidence in you, i have a question i'd like you to answer, if you please. the other night i was at the poetry spot and my brother from another mother brought up the concept of assimilation. i'd like to know what you think: in the context of being black in america, what does it mean to assimilate? i have tried on my own to answer that very question for the past several days now, and i cannot come up with anything solid. i wonder why? perhaps your input may help me understand why i have such a hard time answering that question...

my own race

yesterday, i set foot in a gym for the first time in years.

i joined it just this week! and it's about time. i had this one post talking all kinds of smack about how i wasn't paying money to sweat in front of strangers. whatever! it's over a year later and i weigh about 10 pounds more than i did when i started this blog. i've outgrown too many clothes. i'm too far gone to be happy wearing a bikini in public. so i bit the bullet and bought a gym membership. however - i still don't have a bathroom scale. and i'm still not on a diet, even though i eat well about 80% of the time.

my first day was okay. i took a tour with one of the girls who works there, and she showed me how to use the weight machines and the treadmill. then i used the treadmill to go for a mile - walking/jogging - i am NOT a runner. then i used almost every weight machine there. i was at the gym for about 45 minutes. depending on how soon i can get my mile down, i might be able to get out in half an hour, and still get home in time to catch the news. my only concern is boredom. but i have some ideas. first, i'll switch from the treadmill to some other cardio machine, like the bike, or that other walking thing where you use your arms too (i don't know its name) to keep my cardio varied. second, once the music in the gym gets old, i'll use my z.une to listen to music. sometimes, depending on whether i use the bike or what, i may even be able to read a magazine while i work. i've got a year's financial commitment to work on this, and i'm hoping my thriftiness will keep me going, if for nothing else than to get my money's worth.

for me, the weight machines are where the treasure is. my main reason for joining was to tone up, not lose weight. that's why i'm keeping my cardio limited to jussst enough to get my heart rate hopping. to me, the most important part of working out is to keep my shape as i get older and my metabolism changes. it's totally a vanity thing. i've never been fat, but i don't wanna get there. i want to get rid of the cellulite forming on my thighs. i want my triceps to stop wobbling like my seventh grade teacher with the wig and fuzzy moustache. i don't want to outgrow the clothes i can still fit. i want a firm, developed thigh and butt area. i want to flatten my stomach back out and add definition to my abs. and i want my beloved's eyes to bug out of his head on our honeymoon one day.

i don't know how soon i'll get to where i want to be. i noticed that other women are using higher weights on the weight machines than me. that's okay. maybe they've been there for a while and have worked up to the weights they use. maybe they haven't but they're just stronger. it doesn't make a difference either way. i could try heavier weights but i could hurt myself, so i won't. i will go at my own pace - run walk/jog my own mile and use my own weight limits. much like with everything else - education, finances, personal relationships, my writing, lifetime milestones - i have to run my own race and work with what i have until things change.

i have to remember to take a picture as soon as possible in a bikini, so that a year from now, i can remember what the beginning of my race looked like. that is my comparison point - not people on tv or in the gym.

Mr. Trotter

why oh why did the eagles release jeremiah trotter? just why.

no, really, why?

'cause i don't want him to go. dude is a hard worker, a veteran, a team player, and a fan favorite. and the eagles let him go? it just ain't right.

mr. trotter, you will be sorely missed.

third first time

last night was the third time i stepped into an open mic venue after not having been there. i've been on hiatus for a while, life's been changing, so i came back to see if it still held the magic for me.

i was so inspired.

some of the old familiar faces were there, and it was really good to see them and hear from them. but it was really good to see that most of the folks on stage - even the band - were new faces. i heard new poetry and music for the first time in almost a year. and i was so impressed that i was thinking to myself, "i have to step my game up." i'm really happy to have been inspired to do more and do better.

as usual, while sitting at the venue, ideas for poems happened to me, but of course, i didn't take my notebooks with me, so those ideas are floating around in this head - i may or may not see them again. but between hearing live music for the first time in months, being able to really play with my media player, and all the singing i've been doing lately, i suspect that i may tackle that CD project i wanted to attempt before life interrupted me.

we shall see...

rewind

(Every year I have on here is totally approximate. So if I get one wrong, forgive a sista.)

It takes two - Rob Base and EZ Rock, 1987 - Learning all the words to me and my classmate's favorite rap song for the first time, and finally accepting hip hop as my own, and not my older cousins'.

Tomorrow - Quincy Jones, 1990. Fifth grade graduation, the end of the innocence...

Real Love - MJB, 1991. Getting used to the idea that being the teacher's favorite meant I was going to have to fight like Sophia.

Lately - Jodeci's remake, 1993. That long, long, lazy summer in Virginia's woods. Wearing daisy dukes and racing my cousin out in the country.

My Life - MJB, 1994. The background music of about the next three years of my life. I just couldn't get it out of rotation on the way to school, hanging with my girls, falling in and out of teenage love...

On and On - Erykah Badu, 1996. Finally knowing I wasn't the only one who wanted to be a little weird, wear clothes without labels, and burn some incense. Senior year I finally started getting up the courage to just be glory.

Strength - John P. Kee, 1997. That damn calculus class wound up making me go to summer school, but at least I didn't get sent home like I thought they would do to me. This is the year I was baptized.

Love Like This - Faith Evans, 1998. I never knew there was a love like S-G-Rho. That fall was worth every minute.

No More Drama - MJB - 2003. It was time for me to say goodbye to him and move on with my life, and this song on repeat was the battle refrain.

Golden - Jill Scott, 2004. Ironically, this is one of my least favorite songs of Jill's. But it's what was on the radio when I finally dumped academia off my schedule. It's become a time warp.

Change For Me - Eric Roberson, 2005. I love Philly. This will always take me to that parking lot after that open mic when it just got real good to me.