glory-i-am

fare thee well mj

2009-06-26T00:38:00.001-04:00

I loved Michael Jackson from the time I was two years old. Thriller was my favorite video. I have several of his albums. The brother had soul. There are plenty of things about his life that I didn't understand from his perspective, but I know he had an extraordinary life and an extraordinary talent. It still hasn't sunk in yet, I think. I think it'll take me a couple of days. But here's a prime example:

Live your best life, and maximize every moment that you can.

loaded

2009-05-25T01:56:00.004-04:00

I just ain't had time to blog lately. Shoot, I can barely keep up with reading the blogs I like to read, let alone trying to figure out what I want to blog about. My life is so full right now. I'm working. I'm keeping my house clean. I'm going to church. I'm trying to connect with the things that have made me happy in the past, like spending more time with my friends. My beloved and I need time together. And I'm trying to get enough sleep. So by the time I get to picking up my laptop, it's already late and at most, all I can do is read a few blogs before crashing into sleep. Shoot, I can barely keep up with the news, which is something, 'cause I'd been kind of a news junkie. There ain't enough hours in the day for me to be blogging regularly, though.

I don't mind.

I really don't mind, 'cause I'm glad my life is full. The things I've wanted most are mine - God is continually blessing me. I got love, and a place to call home, and a means with which to make money and pay off these student loans. I got family and friends and I'm making new friends at work and at church. This is what I wanted.

All those years I spent wandering in my twenties, that's the stuff I was searching for. I would lay alone in my bed at night wondering about a man. I was going out as often as I could, looking for community and a place to be myself. I found it, but I was distracted by being sick and tired of being broke and having bills and hating my jobs and knowing I could do more. I was pulling all nighters trying to get a degree. Shutting down my social life trying to get my credentials straight. Worrying about my car breaking down. Scrimping and saving to get myself some financial security. Worrying about when or if it would all come together. Praying for patience. Praying for sustenance, and breakthroughs, and reprieves. Praying for more patience. And one day, after regular spells of unemployment, renting several U-Haul trucks, dealing with jerks wooing me and then deciding not to call me anymore, living in walk-up apartment after walk-up apartment with no air conditioning and raggedy heat, battling back and forth over whether or not I wanted to try a new church, again...

I looked up and I was where I wanted to be. Not long out of the day's church heels. Drinking sweet tea on my own porch. Clean, reliable car in the garage. Dishwasher running. Trees out front giving just enough sun and shade. Just enjoying myself. I'm not lonely. I'm not worried. I'm just blessed. Savings in the bank. Food in the fridge. Central air. Oh, I'm working for it. And praying for it. Praying that God keeps me afloat, and that I don't get the big head - thinking I'm entitled to this much contentment, forgetting how far I've come and how much worse it could be. This Universe don't owe me nothing. I'm thankful. And what's more, I'm not in this alone anymore. I don't have to do everything by myself no more. I'm not carrying my groceries into the house all by myself no more.

It's still a humble life. I could have done better in school, taken a more ambitious career path, and made more money sooner. Or I could have coupled for money instead of love, and dealt with one of those obnoxious types of brothers who just wanted an accessory wife/co-wage-earner he could brag about, instead of a friend and lover who makes me soar and inspires me to be better and likes me the way I am all at the same time. I could have done a lot of things differently. But this is what I wanted. And I feel so wealthy and rich... I mean really wealthy and rich.

I want to travel, and be a mother. I want to go into business for myself. I want to finally get that doggone book published. Learn new things. Make myself useful to someone besides myself and my own household. I feel like as blessed as I am, the world is open to me to grow and explore. It's such an encouraging feeling...

time

2009-04-23T16:27:00.002-04:00

In a way I think the elders had it better. No TV, no internet. No hyperstimulation. You can reflect on a lot while shelling peas, or snapping beans, or shucking ears of corn. Maybe too much convenience is a bad thing. I'm not saying I won't ever pop something in the microwave or send a text message again. I'm just saying maybe I need to slow down on conveniences more often.

anybody understand the bailouts?

2009-04-22T10:56:00.003-04:00

I'm no economist, and my thinking on such matters is largely uninformed and simplistic. That said, I'm not blogging here as an expert but a citizen who's trying to figure out what is going on. But you know what I think that this government bailout is? Trickle down economics, or as the link I've provided later calls it, the "horse-and-sparrow theory" - feed enough oats to the horse, and eventually enough will pass through so the birdies will have something to eat too. Let the companies that are "too big to fail" not fail by propping them up with government money, so that they don't go out of business, so that "regular people" won't lose jobs and their life savings due to a soured stock market. Except instead of tax breaks being given out like candy to the businesses, as people usually think of when they think of the trickle down economics theory, this time it's accountability breaks. The businesses are supposed to use the money to do better work and stay working. That's supposed to keep the economy from kicking the bucket and kicking our butts.

When I first heard about it, it sounded like a necessary evil to me, you know? My understanding is that the government, especially a Republican administration - and when this bailout stuff started, it started under President Bush (though I believe Senator and Presidential Candidate Obama agreed with the plan) - wouldn't want to participate so directly in the marketplace by giving companies money by buying stock in them. My understanding was that capitalism is all about the best competitors excelling in the marketplace, while the inadequate competitors fall by the wayside, encouraging excellence in competition. So, I figured, if the government, first under Bush and then under Obama, was going to participate in the marketplace by basically "betting" on certain struggling businesses that would hurt the public good if they crashed... well then, this must have been really necessary and our only option. It was all gloom and doom in the news. The stock market had people wigging out. At the time, I wasn't thinking, "This sounds like trickle down economics."

But as time passes, and the money has been given out in amounts much larger than I can even fathom, I am hearing that unemployment is still on the rise, that people are still losing big chunks of their life savings, and that the Congressional Oversight Panel isn't quite sure what's really happening to all this money - only some of it is accounted for and we're still not sure whether the equity the country purchased in these floundering companies will turn a profit, according to Elizabeth Warren of the Congressional Oversight Panel, which is in charge of watching what happens to the money.

I believe we were told that this was the best thing the government could come up with at the time to avoid worse consequences, but that no one knew for sure whether or not it would work. I wonder, would the unemployment gains and personal net worth erosions be even worse if we hadn't done this? Or are the problems we're seeing indicating that this plan isn't working? Is it too soon to tell? Either way, we already know that the businesses have benefited - they got the money. But what about the economy for the rest of us who are trying to hold on to jobs and retirement savings? See, that's been one of the criticisms of trickle down economics. We never know quite exactly when the horse isht produces food for the birds.

don't have to wait

2009-04-20T16:19:00.002-04:00

You don't have to wait to thank God for things that you have asked Him to do for you. He is timeless. Go church! for reminding me of that.

You don't have to wait until something scary happens to tell people that you love them.

You don't have to wait for something to change in your life in order to enjoy it for what it is.

communal brain damage

2009-04-16T13:47:00.003-04:00

The Field Negro featured a story last night about a young sixth grade boy who was teased in his new school for being active in sports, the boy scouts, volunteering and going to church. It went on for months - calling him gay and teasing his clothes - and it didn't end until he committed suicide. His mother complained to the school. His school hardly did anything. The bullies were relentless. It really hit home for me because my sixth grade bullying experience was so similar. Here is my two cents on the matter, which I originally posted in the Field Negro's comments.

"that wasn't just homophobia. that was communal hatred of the pursuit of excellence. i relate to this boy's story - i went through the merciless teasing that happens when you're the new kid in a school and you stand out for the pursuit of excellence. if i had been a boy, they would have called me gay, too.

the teachers knew i was being teased because of how they fawned over me, but they didn't care, and they continued to do it. i was depressed. i tried to hate myself because everyone else did. i was 10/11 years old. my only resources were my parents. there were no counselors at my private school. and i imagine that this boy begged his mother NOT to come to the school, just like i did, knowing it would only have made the situation worse with the other kids.

he knew the school wasn't going to do anything about the teasing - adults don't take child teasing seriously. they don't see a line between friendly teasing and the chronic kind between enemies that makes you depressed and suicidal. they don't even think kids would get depressed like i did, or suicidal, like this young man. they think eventually the bullies will tire of the game, and that the victim will get over it with the resiliency adults think all children have. i can tell you that is not how it works. it took me years to get over what happened to me in the sixth grade. years.

and part of the problem is that black people, in fact low-income people of any race (whether or not they have pastors) often don't take mental illness seriously. it may not have occurred to this boy's mom that a shrink was necessary. she probably had no suspicion that he was so far gone that he would ever be tempted to kill himself. and her son probably covered it well by continuing to put on a front that nothing within him was changing. that's what i did. sometimes i would cry or complain, but when i realized nothing could be or would be done by adults, like when i was molested by another child, or when i was teased mercilessly at school, i got real stoic, and covered my inner turmoil as best i could.

some of our children are suffering in silence because they don't see any other way.

and too many adults don't think of bullying as life-or-death, wellness-or-illness dangerous to the well being of a victim. especially in low income black communities, where hazing is done both within the home and in the neighborhood from early ages, to harden children and make them tough enough for a world seen as inherently hostile. nobody wants their kid to be the soft one, and in the minds of parents like these, whoever their kid is picking on could probably use the toughening up, anyway, since the victim's parents obviously didn't do a good enough job of it. i have a friend whose three year old son is being targeted - not by strangers but by his own grandmother and father - as needing to toughen up. they don't want him to cry or ever act like his feelings are hurt. at three.

homophobia is part of the problem, yes, because of the 'gay' label, which children aren't just using for labeling homosexuals, but for any behavior they see as out of the stereotypes of what it means to be black, or appropriately hard - sometimes it doesn't have anything to do with gayness, but the fact that it connotes gayness is an added emphasis or bonus to the slur. 'not only are you acting like a soft white boy, but you like boys, too.'

this is a multifaceted problem that can't be solved by a lawsuit, or prayer without action, or a bunch of shrinks. it is a societal and cultural problem."

I survived my situation by the grace of God. I suppose I was resilient enough to keep taking it everyday without losing myself in the process. I got a into a fight with one of the popular girls, and afterwards, they respected me a little more, even though they still didn't like me. I shouldn't have had to physically fight and get in trouble to get respect - I was lucky it was one on one and that I didn't get jumped. I managed to make a few friends, which made avoiding the bullies easier. After a year, the worst of it passed. The next two years weren't as bad as the first. Mercifully, I then made it to high school where the teasing wasn't nearly as bad, since everyone there was reaching for good grades and college. But I was affected by distrust of my peers, insecurity, low self-esteem, and unsolicited hostility as a preemptive measure at least for the next four or five years after that. And looking at this young man's situation, I guess I got off easy.

fade to... well, not black

2009-04-10T11:25:00.002-04:00

It's fair to say that when I was growing up, I watched way too much television. I was a bookworm and I wasn't an athlete. I preferred my own company to the company of some of the catty little girls who lived on my block, so that kept me in the house. So I loved watching television. Unlike my mom and dad, who grew up either without television, or with few and fleeting blacks on TV, there were lots of shows I could watch that had either lead black character or majority black casts that were either taping or were in syndication.

Among them were Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, Gimme a Break, The Jeffersons, Good Times, The Cosby Show, A Different World, 227, Amen, What's Happening, What's Happening Now, Benson, and Sanford and Son, just off the top of my head. Eventually I guess the major networks got tired of shows featuring blacks and the only place to find them were on the fledgling networks, which at that time included Fox, the WB, and UPN, which later merged with WB to become CW, by the time I was a teenager. These shows included New York Undercover, In Living Color, The Wayans Bros., Living Single... Occasionally, a major network show would pop up, like Family Matters, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, or rarely found black dramas, like City of Angels. I remember this one drama about a family with James Earl Jones in it - that didn't last long at all. There was another with Terrence Howard and Anna Maria Horsford that didn't get off the ground. There were lots of shows with black casts that didn't stick around long or like The Smart Guy and Girlfriends, got shuttled from network to network. The biggest sitcoms at the time didn't have any black characters in them at all. And most of the blacks you did find would be in multiracial ensemble casts, like on ER, or Boston Public, a trend which continues with Heroes, 24, House, Grey's Anatomy, Scrubs... I could go on. I guess we stopped being funny or interesting when I was a teenager.

We must really not be interesting now. In recent years, I can count network shows with black casts quickly and easily, and except for The (still underrated) Bernie Mac Show, they were all relegated to the fledgling network, CW. Girlfriends. Everybody Hates Chris. The Game. One on One. All Of Us. If you want to see black folks on TV, you better catch some old shows in syndication or get yourself some cable, 'cause all but one of those shows has been cancelled, and the one - ONE - remaining network show on TV with a majority black cast, The Game, is hanging on for dear life. I can't say it enough - ONE. It's not completely lonely on TV if you have cable, though. Tyler Perry's sitcoms - you know, the ones I can't sit through - are on TBS and running in syndication already on the fledgling MYNetworkTV. And I hear there's an actual family drama on the ABC Family channel called Lincoln Heights that's still in production for a couple more seasons. That's nice, and somewhat shocking. Of course, if you're into reality shows, there's plenty of black folks on those. Ray J/Flavor Flav meet supposedly-unscripted 'hoes", supposedly-unscripted "hoes" meet Ray J/Flavor Flav. Notice I haven't mentioned BET. As I understand it, they just seem to have reality shows in production. I'm talking about drama and comedy. Thank goodness for relative newcomer TV One, which picks up all the shows we miss that were cancelled too early, moved to bad time slots to be destined for failure, or simply not promoted well. But right now who is actually writing and producing stories about blacks and their families?

Anyway, I just want to say that I'm glad I grew up in what seems to be shaping up as the golden age - the peak, if you will - of being able to see black folks on television. There are people trying to save The Game now, by trying to convince the network to change it into an hour-long drama (since CW wants to quit sitcoms), and I hope it works. If it doesn't, there won't be any more majority black casts on TV. Wow. Unless, you know, one of the fledgling networks - which is pretty much just MYNetworkTV at this point - comes up with something for the 2009 fall season only to make enough money off advertising to black viewers to afford dumping them in 2011 to produce something more "mainstream." Which is funny to me because it's well known we black folks tend to be more loose with our disposable income than others. You'd think we'd be an audience worth keeping. And you'd think that the "mainstream" would be just as entertained by black casts now as they used to be when I was a kid. Oh well. What do I know?

I guess I better snap up some black shows on DVD for my unborn children.

style

2009-04-03T16:01:00.003-04:00

I'm bout sick and tired of seeing Michelle Obama's name in the same sentence as "style" and "fashion." I'm not saying that she isn't stylish or fashionable, or that I think it's a bad thing per se to mention that she is. Shoot, I love to see pictures of her in the press myself. But something doesn't sit right with me about all the chatter about fashion. Seriously, it's like I'd rather they not mention her if all they're going to say, again, is that she's fashionable. Now I know that it's a conscious choice that she's making on her part to be a major policy advocate or to take an official advisory role in the President's administration. And maybe if she served more in that capacity, then maybe the press would have more occasion to talk about something other than what she's wearing. But still. I don't know. It's just starting to sound like a broken record. Is it just me?

edited: i meant to say that she made a choice NOT to be a major policy advocate or advisor. guess i was typing too fast. my apologies.

just damn

2009-03-26T17:52:00.004-04:00

Now this is disappointing.

Dallas police chief apologizes for conduct of officer who drew gun on NFL player outside hospital

Ryan Moats, his wife and her family members were trying to be with his mother-in-law in her last moments and an officer stopped Moats and his wife's grandfather from getting into the hospital in time to say goodbye. I can't imagine how Ryan Moats' grandfather-in-law must feel, missing the death of his daughter over something so trivial, but I feel compassion for this family. I actually watched/listened to the video, and the longer it went on, the more angry I became.

No, you don't want to claim that it was racism that made this cop such an asshole. But this is one of those situations where your gut just tells you what it tells you. Every incident of racism doesn't come with a "N-----" or coon epithet purposely hurled to let the victim know that his race is the reason for the harassment/oppression. Racists know better than to be blatant nowadays, especially when they're on the job. So no, neither I nor anyone else can say without a doubt that this happened because of racism. But this is the kind of stuff that keeps black people suspicious of racism. And this is the kind of stuff that makes people of all colors resentful of police authority. This guy makes cops look bad, even though I still believe that most reasonable officers would have let the family go, much sooner, and without all the self-righteous posturing about what they have the power to do to the driver.

You know what got me? All the officer's talk about Moats' supposed "attitude," especially after the officer was made well aware of the fact that Moats' mother-in-law was dying. It was as if he knew he had been a jerk, but he insisted on shifting the blame to Moats. The officer sounded like an adult lecturing a child about being impertinent... or an old school racist talking down to a black person for not knowing his place.

where i'm at

2009-03-17T17:38:00.003-04:00

I've been reading a lot of political news and gossip. Michael Steele needs to resign. Jon Stewart is the man. Joe Scarborough is a punk. Barack Obama has a lot of work to do. Michelle Obama's dress choices don't have anything to do with anything.

I don't know why people are acting like they're surprised that Rihanna is back with Chris Brown. That's how these things tend to work. Most people saying that she's stupid need to fall back - no one knows what they'd do in her shoes because they haven't been in her shoes, and only those who have been in her shoes understand. Only those two can determine whether they'll learn from mistakes made and take steps to grow and heal from past wounds. Why are people still paying attention to Nadya Suleman, really? She bores me. People should have gotten over the initial shock and matured past the she's-a-welfare-queen-self-righteous-accusations that continue to fly around. Meanwhile a bunch of babies need care and raising. Everyone wants to know how she's going to do it by herself. She ain't. She needs help to raise them, and somehow she'll get it. Move right along, people, there's nothing else to see here.

I value my mom's opinion and advice, and I trust her motives and her counsel. Sometimes I don't agree though. And sometimes the things she says stay with me longer than I want them to. We have a really open and candid relationship that I've long been thankful for, but I'm thinking that I want to pull back a little bit. I realized lately that I'm worrying a little bit too much about my judgment based on her commentary, and it's messing with my head. I trust my own judgment. Only I know what makes me happy. I have to learn to take what she says with a grain of salt sometimes.

I'm not a kid anymore, and I haven't been for a while. When I really stop to think about it, I've lived a lot of life - lots of different experiences. I don't pretend to have the wisdom of the elders, but at the same time, I've been growing and changing a lot over these years. Before I know it, I'll look up and realize that I've lived as many years as an adult as I lived as a child. Marriage and motherhood are not far off. I can't let the many lessons I've learned fade into forgotten memories. I just finished reading a novel. Maybe it's time for me to start reading my old diaries - my own personal novel. It may serve as a little refresher course.

think, damn it!

2009-02-10T11:35:00.008-05:00

I am angry with many people's responses to this situation where Chris Brown was arrested for allegedly hitting a woman, who is reported to be Rihanna.

People have been saying that R did something to make her attacker beat her up. Unless she physically balled up her attacker's fists and busted herself upside the head with them, that makes absolutely no sense. If she somehow angered CB while they were in a car, his proper response would have been to pull over and leave the woman on the sidewalk calling a taxi if that's what it took to keep from going upside her head with a closed fist. Yes, some women are crazy enough to provoke a man and try to get him angry. And that is wrong. But even so, anyone with an above-junior-high-school mindset is supposed to have enough restraint to walk away and not catch a case.

First, the nasty rumor about why he hit her is a RUMOR. I personally think jealous outsiders made it up to malign one or both of them because they made a cute couple. Neither R nor CB has had much to say in public about this, so I doubt this rumor came from either of them - I distrust any other source. Second, if the rumor was truthful it STILL wouldn't be an excuse for violence.

This is killing me. A woman gets her nose bloodied and her lip busted by someone with martial arts training, and some people's first response is to say, "Well what did she do wrong to cause someone to beat her up?" That is DYSFUNCTIONAL and scary.

This aspect of our culture is what makes people ignore women when they have been raped or molested. And it's not just men, it's women being contemptuous against other women, teaching their sons not to trust women, taking their sons' side when they disrespect women by beating them, cheating on them, or abandoning their fatherly responsibilities. To justify it, they jump on the bandwagon saying dumb stuff like, "That fill-in-the-blank was messing with my son/brother/friend," without trying to be objective about the fact that the woman has a side of the story too. Men and women alike are justifying mistreatment of women because they're working with the stereotype of the conniving Jezebel - perpetuating the stereotype that women are untrustworthy, deceitful, and deserving of violent treatment. And then when something pops off, people want to look the other way, saying it's none of their business, or claiming "Well, we don't know what really happened." Funny how the same people saying we don't know what happened are the first ones to insinuate that it was the woman's fault - I thought we didn't know what happened! Both R and CB have a story, and it makes no sense to just jump on R because she's the woman, yet that's exactly what's happening.

I don't know what happened between R and CB. Hopefully, the facts will come out in court. And if CB actually did what the reports are saying he did, he should be punished. He's young and can get counseling and do better. He's a victim of witnessing abuse, just like me, and he probably needs the counseling. And if the rumors are true about R provoking him somehow, then she should get some counseling too.

We have to do better. I have to wonder if our communal focus on racial equality and respect sometimes distracts us from working on achieving gender equality and respect as well. We will continue to live in a climate that is dangerous to our mothers, sisters, and daughters if we continue to blame the women who get beat up for what someone else did to them of their own free will.

(I wrote another version of this rant in The Black Snob's comment section.)

how's it going

2009-01-29T12:35:00.004-05:00

This is my 401st post.

Diva in Demand wanted to know how the year has been going so far. Here's my unabridged answer:

Well, so far, I think the patience lesson the Lord has been trying to teach me is finally making headway. But I got some ways to go, still. But I am more patient with my beloved, and less likely to obsess over things that don't matter. There are dirty clothes in the bedroom. I will wash them when I get home. When I feel like it. I can relate to Diva in Demand here.

Being in a new place, physically, is already doing wonders for my satisfaction with my life. I moved, and I have an office of my own, and my stuff is out of storage, and I can chill on my college furniture, surrounded by my inexpensive but sentimental treasures again. I just unpacked Humphrey, a bear I've had since before I could talk. He's been everywhere with me. And now we both have a new home. It's hard to leave home for work in the morning. I love the way the sun shines in the windows and the way the colors of the furniture and the walls and the floors make me feel warm and well and happy. I haven't felt this way in years, and I appreciate it so much.

I haven't made a move towards the healthier body I covet, yet, but my procrastination actually has a good reason. Next month's birthday will not come and go without that task being addressed. At my heaviest, I'd gained almost 20 pounds since I started college. I could afford to, because I was too bony and I wanted to gain weight. But not this weight. I've got non-muscular, slowing-my-metabolism weight. I want to wear a bikini this summer without being self-conscious. That will happen. I have to get in shape BEFORE I get pregnant, so that my baby can grow in a healthy body. And I will get pregnant. Not now, but soon enough. (That's my new thing - "soon enough.")

I opened myself to a new possibility regarding my career. I bet a lot of people are doing the same now. I have goals to meet, and the status quo is not an option if I'm going to meet them. To meet my goals, I have to make the money, period. Funny thing is that most of them have less to do with material gain than they have to do with peace-of-mind - debts paid off, savings in the bank, the ability to make decisions without worrying about how I'm going to pay for them. I think wealth will be a natural outgrowth of good financial habits and the pursuit of my talents. I probably won't ever be stinkin' rich, but I still want to at least smell a little bit.

I am still hitting snooze on my ticking biological clock... but not so much that I'm not making arrangements for my family a consideration in my current decision-making. It's coming...

2007 was a year of change, if I remember correctly. 2008 was all about fruition. 2009 is a different animal altogether. In a sense, I'm in a holding pattern - it's like the time between harvest and planting season. I gotta get my ground ready.

Interview

2009-01-22T15:32:00.002-05:00

1. If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My questions came from Diva in Demand.

What is the one thing you regret most in life?

Not being more demonstrative with people that I loved and cared about before they died. It's important to me to try to keep up the ties that bind.

Tell the details of the most most memorable day of your life so far?

I was ten years old and attending a school I hated where all the other kids teased me. After school one day, I saw my parents were there to pick me up, so instead of going to the bus, I hopped in the car. That's when I found out that we were going on a trip back down south! My uncle was coming back from the Persian Gulf War and the family - all my dad's brothers and sisters, all my cousins, everybody - was going to be there to welcome him home. We decorated his house with yellow ribbons and went as a family to wait for him. My dad, who'd driven the farthest, even got interviewed by the local newspaper! And there was lots of food. And popsicles! I remember thinking, after we went to my uncle's house and I was outside playing among all my cousins on the swing, that it was the most wonderful day of my whole life... and then I got a monster allergy attack and it ruined the whole moment. It's funny now, but it wasn't then!

You're planning your perfect day.......tell us about it?

I am getting married outdoors to my beloved. My two best friends are my attendants. My grandma and parents and his mom are all there, in addition to a few friends and family. It's early autumn and the trees are beautiful, and so am I. My skin is clear, my hair is done, and I'm not carrying any water weight! LOL! I woke up nervous and excited today, I'm in a simple but pretty dress, and I just want to get to the part where he kisses me in front of everybody. We have the short and sweet ceremony, smash a little cake on each other, and then join our families in eating southern American and West Indian soul food. We are going on honeymoon to a quiet, non-touristy place tonight, with the security of knowing that when we come back, there will be no wedding debt.

The ship's going down and you can only grab 5 things before you have to get off and go to the island....what do you take?

A blanket, 'cause I can't stand being cold. My beloved, 'cause I couldn't bear to see him go down in the water. My bible, 'cause it'll probably be the only thing to keep me sane in the long run. Some food to tide me over, 'til I can figure out how to feed myself. And music.

The secret video is out.....who do you call first and why?

My beloved. 'Cause nobody else matters. We'll figure out what to do together.

rest

2009-01-07T14:16:00.000-05:00

Do not sacrifice rest. It ain't worth it. I am much less effective in every area of my life unless I've had enough rest. Now there's a resolution for you, if you want one.

reflecting

2008-12-31T11:09:00.002-05:00

God answers prayers. His spirit is generous and bountiful. His lessons are wise. His counsel consoles. Knowledge of His word can be the difference between void and fullness. His law is love. His gift is perfect peace. He is awesome and perfect, a sanctuary for those who seek Him.

It's been a good year, full of friends and family, lessons to be learned, and reasons for new hope and inspiration. I am blessed and looking forward to the new year. I am entering 2009 with gratefulness and a sense of purpose about my choices and actions that gives me hope.

If I have resolutions this year, it's to continue to set goals and work diligently to meet them, like I've been doing throughout 2008. It's to listen more intently to the Spirit's guidance, and be still and contemplative more often. It's to continually aim to be my best self, in mind, body, and spirit, for myself and for others.

I wish you a happy, healthy, and prosperous new year!

already

2008-12-21T23:14:00.002-05:00

All the stuff that I want to do to have a better life in the New Year are things that I'm working on now. But you can only work on so many things at a time. So I'm moving forward, as time and energy and inspiration permit.

Coulda lost my life this past Friday. God protects. I am grateful for being alive.

Are transition periods real? Feels like to me that something is always in transition. Then maybe it's not so much periods, just a whole life full of transition. I'm just saying.

I'm not planning on traveling for Christmas next year. Period.

Why are garment boxes so hard to find?

Cashmere ain't all that. Really. There is no reason for it to cost as much as it does.

Why do men always come back? You see them. It ends. Time passes. Then they come back. They want to know if you can talk, if you want to go out, if you can help them with this or that. I don't understand it. I'm not one of those people who believes that it's best to burn all bridges regardless of the circumstances. In most circumstances, I'm always willing and able to at least be cordial, and depending on the circumstances, even friendly, with past paramours. Even if I didn't like how the dissolution went down, or if I was the one who broke it off. But I don't understand what it is about men just wanting to know if you are somehow available to them AFTER it's ended. They have all come back in one way or another - each and every one of them. Phone calls, e-mail, passing the word on through a mutual friend. Always. For example, when I was in college, my ex used to go by my parents' house to get in good with my mama. Is it in the man playbook, chapter thirty-one? "After it's over, check in to see if she'll take your call or go out with you or get back with you or help you with something or give it up one more time for old time's sake." I sometimes feel like Chapter 31 is really about starting a no-hard-feelings, let's-be-friends dialogue. Other times I feel like it's because the guy is going through something and he knows you have enough kindness in you to do what the girlfriend he wishes he had would do for him - listen and be a sympathetic kindred spirit. Or maybe other times, it's much less innocuous and really just selfish - he just wants to boost his ego by seeing if he still has an effect on you. I don't know. Men aren't all the same. Every human is motivated by different things. But anyway, isn't there a certain cut off point? Two weeks? Two months? Two years? I wonder.

I'm glad the holiday is coming up. I'm really looking forward to spending some time with my crazy-behind family.

I want to change my hair. I haven't decided how exactly. But it may involve some cut. And it may involve some color.

made me smile

2008-12-18T01:03:00.000-05:00

I sent my Christmas cards out last weekend, and I got a text message yesterday from one of my cousins thanking me for the card. But that's not all my cousin said. He said that if I needed anything, I could just call. And that he loved me. And we're really not the kind of family that just goes around saying that all the time, so whenever I hear that, I'm happy to hear it. Warm fuzzies are the best for Christmas.

anchored

2008-12-05T22:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes it's like life is trying to tell you a lie about yourself. Like circumstances are there specifically to get you to doubt your own value. It's up to you to know yourself well enough to stay encouraged about who you are, what you're worth, and what you're capable of. Otherwise you could wind up lost and confused. Greater is He that is within you... you know?

ten years old

2008-12-03T01:18:00.000-05:00

I was inducted on December 5, 1998 with fifteen other young ladies. It was the best celebration of my eighteen-year-old life. And the very next day, we had a chapter meeting. Our mama didn't play! I wish it was warm enough to wear my line jacket. I'd have been rocking it all week. I'm officially an old head now, if I wasn't before. LOL!

EE-YIP!
Deep Impact, bka Glory, 10GMFA98

dream world

2008-12-02T02:06:00.000-05:00

Did you ever have a dream that just stuck with you?

I had a dream over the weekend that I'm glad I rode out all the way to the end. I had to know what was going to happen next! Even when sounds or movement would make me stir from sleep a little bit, I'd dive back in to stay in the world of my dream. My days, lately, have at least partly consisted of mulling over the story of the dream. I think I had it because of all the television I'd been watching - suspense, science fiction, action - it was really interesting to be a character in a story like that. So interesting in fact, that I've been writing about it. It started at my beloved's suggestion to write the dream down. It became a hunt for answers. Why did this happen? Why does that person think the way they do? What made these people tick? This thing has a life of its own. Will it become a full-fledged story? I dunno - only time will tell if I have the discipline to ride the writing out like I did that dream. But it is fun thinking about and writing about my story and my characters daily.

longevity

2008-11-29T23:19:00.000-05:00

Tonight my beloved and I went to a performance by one of the special revue groups singing covers of an old R&B crooner group. I watched the men in their crisp suits glide across the stage with all their precision and finesse, the way they used to do in their prime for their audiences. They were really classy. We were the youngest adults in the room, (we were there as guests of an older couple) and I couldn't help but wonder: when the songs we liked as teenagers become golden oldies, will anyone want to see the likes of Blackstreet, Shai, and Jodeci attempting to hump the stage and rip their shirts off when they're in their sixties? I don't think so. Pretty sure about that one.

on time

2008-11-22T14:29:00.001-05:00

I was just sitting here thinking about whether or not I am bothered by the fact that my next birthday will be the last time I turn twenty-anything. For years I've celebrated anniversaries of my 25th birthday. I might start telling people I'm older than I am, so I can be amazing for my age, like my beloved's friend has been doing. Ha ha. I don't know where the time is going. I just realized that it's been the better part of a decade since I graduated from college. Not high school - college. All my girlfriends are mothers, or pregnant. My biological clock is ticking, and I'm all up in the middle of a very frustrating nesting phase. I'm looking at my life and realizing that despite the occasional bumps and hiccups, I am very happy.

He fits into my life well, and when I woke up this morning, I thought about how there was no one in the world I'd rather see all sleepy-faced beside me. He allows me to love him shamelessly and sloppily, grown and child-like, and all without making me worry if I was giving him too much. You know how some men do. You get too sweet on them and they get uncomfortable or push away. He is a breath of fresh air. I can be my silly, nerdy, selfish, giving, righteous and contrite self with him - it's so alien to me after all those years I spent in the wilderness, that I don't quite know how to act here in the land of milk and honey. And when I'm having moments of self-reflection, and I'm concerned about if I'm in the right place, it's memories of all that past dysfunction that help me to see that this is exactly where I need to be - I have so much to learn and share with this man, it will take a lifetime of loving and procreating to get it all in. I believe that's why I wandered in the desert for so long. I come from long lines of women who tucked themselves into themselves in order to keep the peace with their man. I'm not talking about compromise, I'm talking about chronic self-denial. I was weaned on it. I think the Creator offered a way out to me, and this man is the road. All those times I worried if I would find the right place, and here I am.

When we have a home to provide, which if all goes well won't be long, I can worry about silencing that clock. In the meantime, I'll just have to dote on my girlfriends' babies, and hit the snooze button for myself. I don't think I wasted all this time. I would have been a capable mother ten years ago. I would have been a good mother five years ago. But my unborn are blessed to have the person I am now as a mother. I have so much more to give now. I understand love so much better. My faith is so much more balanced. I feel like my life is really just beginning. Now I see why there are so many articles about life beginning at 40. But. One step at a time. Interestingly enough though, the farther I walk on this journey, the more timeless I feel. The less my age matters to me. People ask me how old I am, and I have to actually think before I answer because I'm just not as mindful of it as I was once before. I'm most interested right now in securing a place for us and ours in this world that is safe and has strong roots. I'm most interested in how we work together to make that happen. And even as I write that, I'm just a little taken aback that when I say what I'm most concerned about, it's not a "I/me/my," but a "we/us/ours" statement. Just wow for a second. Just wow.

I need to write more often. I'm glad that lately, I have been writing. I think my writer's block is over. Just in time to catch the good parts.

safe in the house

2008-11-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

I haven't really left my home for the past two weekends. I think it's a phase. I like being here. It could be the weather. It could also be not wanting to move my car and having to find another parking space when I come home. I don't know, but I have really just wanted to be in my home. Which is really funny, because between my neighbors and my slumlord, I don't even like my apartment. But hey, it's a space to call my own. I can watch dvd's, knit, call friends and family, watch a little television, read on the internet. It's where I wanna be. But I guess I've always been a homebody. Even when I was going through my going out phase...

the death of us all

2008-11-13T23:47:00.000-05:00

It's been my opinion for a very long time that religion will be the tool humans use to kill us all.

My mom had an unsettling dream the other night. She was walking through the city, and there was debris and carnage everywhere. She went to her father's house, and he opened the door holding a book with no pages. That book was the Bible before the pages were all ripped out. He told her that they were going around ripping out the pages - that no one could have the Bible anymore - that people had to pray in hiding. As she told me, it all sounded very much like 1984. It reminded me of what the nuns in school told us about special rosaries invented because of Catholic persecution. My mom told me that she couldn't imagine why she might have had this dream. But I knew why.

She had that dream so that she could tell me about it, and put an emphatic punctuation mark on the end of the thoughts I've been having lately about religion in our society and the failures of tolerance.

I discussed with my mother that I've been noticing intolerance towards people of faith much more often lately. I told her about how I'm ashamed of people like the ones who planned to boycott the president-elect's grandmother's funeral since she raised him, and he is pro-choice. I told her that people like that makes it harder for people of faith everywhere. It's hard to respect people like that, which might be why there seems to be a growing contingent of non-religious people who speak about people of faith and about faith itself with no respect.

I am feeling a tension that scares me. Forget red states and blue states. It's all about Team Faith and Team Faithless. There are extremists on each team, and it seems moderates like myself are either being overlooked or are too silent.

Team Faith's extremists think that their religion gives them a mandate to impose their beliefs on everyone else, regardless of whether everyone else has Constitutional rights to believe or not believe what they want. Some even think that everyone who doesn't believe what they believe has rejected their God and deserves no respect now, in addition the damnation that will surely follow their deaths.

Team Faithless' extremists think Team Faith is a bunch of weak-minded nut jobs who use their superstitions as a crutch. Religion is for the mental midgets so far as they see it. And according to them, the fantasies of religion do way more harm than good because they defy and belittle reason, giving license to the faithful to suspend reality in their own minds. A suspension of reality that serves mainly to self-righteously bully and impose upon the faithless.

Others, the reasonable among both the faithful and the faithless, just want to respectfully live and let live. Good fences, good neighbors, celebrate diversity type stuff. I'd hope most people fit in this category. But it sounds like only the intolerant extremists have anything to say lately. And as long as those extremists continue to go at each other, my mommy's nightmare is sure to come. In one moment, intolerant bigots lobby to keep civil rights from others based on an agenda to make others adhere to their faith. In its counterpoint, intolerant bigots make expressions of faith subject to ridicule in the popular culture in such a way that society becomes hostile to the faithful. Team Faith and Team Faithless will keep tussling until the mushroom cloud goes up.

And what neither side will realize is that the problem isn't that people are brainwashed by antiquated texts or that people are evil because they lack faith in a higher power. The problem is that people on both sides refuse to respect and be tolerant towards the other side.

tolerance works both ways

2008-11-11T21:10:00.001-05:00

I have attempted to stay silent about this subject, but I have reached the full extent of my restraint.

Many have been talking about the passage of Proposition 8 in California, which took away the right of gay people in California to have legal marriages. In virtually every discussion of this, a spotlight has been put on black people and people of faith, to state that Prop 8's passing is due to the black folks that came out to vote for Obama. Then inevitably it comes up: black people should be ashamed of denying a civil right to a fellow minority. They, of all people, should have a special sympathy for the plight of oppressed gay couples, because they, of all people, should remember how wrong it was for interracial marriages or slave marriages to be outlawed. They're homophobic! They're using their religion as an excuse for their oppression of gay people! For shame! Foooooor shaaaame.

I don't live in California, so I had no say on Prop 8. Also, I can't reasonably speak for the black people in California, or black people of faith. That said, I take quite a few exceptions to what's being said.

First of all, the numbers that they're using to vilify California's black voters are arguable. People need to stop blaming blacks for California's Prop 8 passage. See a worthy analysis of this point here. I'm not saying that homophobia doesn't exist among blacks, but I am saying that I'm not going to let black people become The Face of Homophobia without putting in my two cents.

As one black Christian, here is my opinion on gay marriage. On a pragmatic level, whether or not marriage for gays becomes legal, gay people will continue to be with each other, and I will continue to try my best to keep from judging them for it based on my beliefs, seeing as how I and most people I know do things that we might be a little uncomfortable telling a pastor or discussing with the Lord. I want to give gay people the same respect that I give others, and to that end, I am not opposed to them being granted the legal privileges and rights that come along with marriage.

Thing is, though, I think that "marriage" is a religious matter. I see the privileges and rights granted by the government in a different light than I see the religious significance of marriage. On the one hand, you get to ride your spouse's health care benefits. On the other, you've created a spiritual covenant under the Lord. I really don't think either of those has much to do with the other. I think that one is under the authority of our government. I believe that the other is under the authority of the Lord, and the best approximation we have to operating under the Creator's order is using the guidance of our respective religious communities.

Imagine then, how torn I might personally feel if confronted with that referendum question. On the one hand, I want gay people to feel free and respected as citizens in their own country. I want them to feel as free as I do as a heterosexual. On the other hand, my spiritual beliefs preclude me from wanting to call a gay union a "marriage" because of what I believe that term to mean, or from even thinking that I have the authority to weigh in on the issue.

I don't even think that question should have gone to referendum in the first place. I think the legality of gay unions is a legal civil rights issue that "regular people" have no business creating law on in the voting booth. When blacks won the full exercise of their civil rights, it was won mostly in the courts. Think about it: in 1954, if the people of Topeka, Kansas were asked by referendum if nigra children should be allowed to attend school with white children, what do you think the result would be? There's a reason that the Brown case was in court. There's a reason that Reconstruction ended when the federal government left the south, and why the Civil Rights Movement became fruitful when the federal government got involved. Sometimes We, The People and our legislatures get it wrong when it comes to our neighbors. Sometimes, high level courts and executive orders are best at carrying out the spirit of what freedom in this country is about, and our constitutional structure is there to balance everything out.

I read a suggestion somewhere that all couples, regardless of sexual orientation, should get "civil unions," and those who seek to have their union ordained by their religion can do so privately. I think that's entirely appropriate. I think that this gay marriage issue may be the best thing to happen for pointing out how ridiculous it is to regularly tout "Separation of Church and State," while allowing judges and courthouse clerks-or-whoever-else to pronounce people "married" after taking vows based on Christian marriage traditions.

Did you notice that I haven't said that I support gay marriage? I didn't say it because I don't. I could likely have voted for Prop 8 myself, and I refuse to be shamed by others for my opinion and my religious beliefs. I am an American. I have the right to my religious beliefs. It's not because I'm homophobic - because I am not. I am neither disgusted by, afraid of, hateful towards, nor superior by any measure to gay people. It's not because I'm black - my black parents and family never taught me to hate anybody. Even though I am in favor of allowing gay couples to legally unite with all privileges and rights if that's what they want to do, I think that there's a better way to handle this than saying, "Let them join, and have the state call it marriage." I think we need to separate marriage and the government for couples of all sexual orientations, and just call all marriage licenses "civil union" licenses. Then people can work out the aspects of what "marriage" and spiritual union means to them on a personal level in their own private lives. This isn't another version of separate but equal. It's all equal, and it keeps our churches and our states as separate as they should be.

There are more reasons besides homophobia or religious intolerance for someone of any race or religion to have voted for Prop 8. There are some hateful people, yes. But there are also some ignorant ones, some misled ones, some people who simply disagree with how the right was given in California in the first place (but not with the right being given). Regarding people who voted against gay marriage because of what they believe, try to understand them. I'm hearing a lot of people talking about how intolerant they are, how blinded they are by their religion, how they're not following Jesus' Golden Rule... it should be obvious that all of that finger-pointing is judgmental. Point your finger, and there are three pointing back at you.

There needs to be dialogue, education, and cooperation, not rhetoric aimed to shame and belittle people based on identity politics. Gay rights activists and social liberals will never get Prop 8 voters to come around if they continue to denigrate them at every turn for who they are and what they believe.